The following is satire for the Opinions section of The Clarion.

DENVER, Colo. — In a recently filed lawsuit against the Daniels College of Business, a first-year student alleges false and misleading advertising about food items being sold in the building after failing all four of her midterms. The claims are aimed at Einstein Bros. Bagels, available on the first floor of Daniels, and its alleged failure to improve her intelligence despite its genius namesake. 

“I’ve been eating them every day so I don’t have to go to class,” explained the student, Olive B. Aygls. “Why would a genius sell bagels if they don’t actually make me smarter?”

She shared her current tanking grade forecast from Canvas, and after receiving results from midterms in week 5, is set to flunk out of all 16 credits. In an early attempt at filing suit, B. Aygls listed “Einstein and Brothers” as defendants. 

“The defendants? Oh yeah. I tried to sue Einstein himself because he’s selling faulty bagels, and I didn’t really understand the lawyer’s response, but I guess you can’t sue scientists?” the student explained, before being spotted days later with a Ouija board in Marcus Commons.

B. Aygls is currently a business undeclared student, having chosen DU because it was the only university with IQ-boosting nourishment in close proximity to classes. She also reported a new interest in the Business Ethics & Legal Studies minor since filing the lawsuit. “I feel like, if I can get justice for other people who Einstein and his brothers scammed, then maybe I just found my calling.”

Since our interview, unapproved posters have appeared on community boards around campus inviting other students to join a motion for a class action lawsuit. No phone numbers have been torn from the bottom of the take-one posters as of publishing. Maybe she should have added a QR code.

In leaked correspondence from staff in charge of the Einstein Bros. Bagels vendor, B. Aygls’ multiple emails received one lengthy response: “Lol.”