The following is satire for the Opinions section of the Clarion.
Last Monday, the University of Denver Board of Trustees met to give the final approval regarding a new construction project on campus, driven by record-high student enrollment rates. To cope with the additional tuition from the never-before-seen influx of first-year students, the dormitory previously known as Centennial Halls will be the target of a new project: Giant Hole.
The $1 billion project is set to demolish Centennial Halls and replace the lot with Giant Hole for the relief of additional and unneeded finances. It is currently planned for a depth of 50 meters, or as one Trustee was overheard discussing, “whatever can fit the most cash money.”
The Office of Business and Financial Affairs also shared some insight into the guidance of DU finances.
“We’ve never been in a better financial situation, and the extra dough is burning a hole in our pocket,” they commented. “Long strategic meetings narrowed our best investment options down to either the chancellor’s salary, or a campus improvement project for new students. We could do the former idea at any time, so we decided to seize the opportunity to repurpose the empty mold farms.”
The aforementioned “extra dough” has also risen due to consolidation of academic departments. After carefully considering the academic budget, the DU finance team has decided that consolidation was too extreme of a solution. They have enthusiastically agreed to the new Giant Hole project to even out the monetary scales. “We’ve saved too much by merging so many departments,” noted a trustee. “What better place to dump all these extra dolla dolla bills?”
While full project details are set to be released within the quarter, the Giant Hole is rumored to carry on as an automated Corner Store location. Students will still be able to visit the seamless, cashier-less market during project development, and connect their card or meal plan cash! Cash dumped into the Hole will not be accepted as legal tender at this stage. It’s dirty.
