The following is a satire for the Opinions section.
After a rough midterm period of too many visits to the student health center and endless bloody noses as my sea-level born body adjusted to the Mile High City conditions, I have decided to turn my focus to the bible. I have no faith left in myself to physically survive the last weeks of the quarter, so I want to put the responsibility of my life in a higher power’s hands.
Pushing aside sociology papers and chemistry tests I cracked open a thick book so covered in dust, I could barely see the words. That was me trying to set the scene, but I actually just typed “bible” into google and clicked on the first result.
Goddammit, there is a paywall. Scrolling down farther on the page seemed to complicate things as I began to realize how many paywalls and required logins there were to access the holy text. I guess that does make sense if the text of the bible is indeed holy.
Then, there it was. A gloriously short bible “The Satanic Bible.” I could probably just do the opposite of everything it said because Satan and Ayn Rand = bad.
I clicked through the pages and stopped at the “Nine Satanic Statements”:
- Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence!
- Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
- Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
- Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates!
- Satan represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek!
- Satan represents responsibility to the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires!
- Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!
- Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
- Satan has been the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years!
I have another problem. These don’t sound too bad. Compared to other religious groups’ horrific scandals, Satanism seems somewhat tame. Especially because Satanists don’t seem to hide behind traditional legitimacy like other unspecified religions. Sadly, DU’s campus seemed to be slightly anti-Satanist because of the number of non-Satan worshipping Christian campus faith groups, so I might have to wait to get involved until winter break.
