The following is satire for the Opinions section of the Clarion

The verdict is out, and it wasn’t even close. In a unanimous decision, The Supreme Court has decided that Donald Trump cannot be removed from the ballot. Within days of this decision, America made the bold choice that we will in fact see a rematch in the presidential election: Joe Biden and Donald Trump. To quote Bo Burnham, “You’re really going to make me vote for Joe Biden?”

I don’t want to do it. I don’t think anybody wants to do what we’re going to have to do starting on Nov. 5, but you leave me no choice. They’re both so old; they’re both so weird; they both should have retired fifteen years ago; why did we let this happen? Why couldn’t we have voted for Dean Phillips?

Where is Al Gore when we need him most?

But all is not yet lost. There is a way forward, difficult and arduous thought may be, it is our last bastion of hope. The final Hail Mary to win this Superbowl we call America. We can still, through the most incredible social media marketing campaign ever put to the internet—one that would put even the Kony 2012 campaign to shame—save this country.

I hear you, I hear your questions, they come to me in my nightmares like a prophet receiving visions from an angry god. You ask, “How? What could we possibly do?” The answer is clear, Kanye laid the groundwork in 2016; write-in votes.

We need everybody to post on social media, everybody needs to commit, mortgage your homes and take out loans to buy advertising space to ensure all citizens know there is still a chance to change our nation. Who could possibly be elected though? Who has the know-how, the youth, the vim & vigor to lead our country? We at DU know him very well. Jeremy Haefner.

I cannot speak for the masses, but I know where my vote will be going. With a campaign promising higher educational funds, no punishing students for antisemitic behavior and a second private jet for the hockey team, he stands leagues above the other candidates.