The following is satire for the Opinions section.

Where does our tuition money go? This is a question that has driven many a reporter before me to death under suspicious circumstances, but alas, I find myself driven by a need for knowledge. Officially, the university has a “total operating revenue of $459.5 million,” which is by no means a small sum.

Yet, I feel myself prompted to look further, and what do I find? The University allocates, of those nearly $460 million, only $163 million into “student-based priorities.” What does that mean? Well, for one thing, only about 35% of the University’s operating revenue is going toward its students. The same students whose tuition accounts for approximately 65% of its operating revenue (as of 2018).

Well well well! That’s certainly an interesting discrepancy, wouldn’t you say? But I don’t have to be evil, in fact, I could overlook this very easily. I mean, our staff is fantastic and they deserve as much money as we can pay them. Honestly, teachers deserve more money overall.

But, and I hate to hark on this, I do find something interesting. Tell me, Mr. Haefner, you coward (I’m joking please don’t expel me), why does the hockey team have a private jet that cost perhaps upwards of $250,000? One that costs $7,000 just to fuel? What’s going on there buddy?

Even that would be forgivable, were it not for one slight issue. Basic amenities in the dorm rooms are simply…not taken care of over breaks. My dear friend got back from break, and within the first day, her door handle broke off. My other friends found their heater doesn’t work anymore, and the high this weekend is 11° F. My toilet didn’t flush for the first three days back, and that spite has fueled this article.

So, with all of this in mind Mr. Haefner, we don’t have to be enemies. In fact, I think we might just become very good friends. I have more information, more citations and real examples, but those don’t have to go public. All I ask for is…perhaps…one trip on that private jet. Just one! Maybe throw in some free tuition if you feel like it.

Or, maybe, I’ll start paying 35% of my tuition. You know, to match the University’s margins.