The following is satire for the Opinions section.
What is the purpose of a university? Why do we trudge tired-eyed through the Denver snow to attend our college and go to class? Our school itself highlights, “The mission of the University of Denver is to promote learning by engaging with students in advancing scholarly inquiry, cultivating critical and creative thought, and generating knowledge.”
It’s a wonderful purpose, one that we as students are willing to pay quite a bit of money for. Our education is so important to us, and to the University, that it’s frankly unacceptable when we encounter thorns in our path to further educate ourselves. By and large, the University is capable of admitting its faults and removing these issues. Whether that be an unnecessary class (calculus), a poor teacher ([REDACTED]), suboptimal living environments (Halls) or anything in between.
But there are other issues. Issues that need to be addressed, issues that have been continually overlooked by the University but that I myself cannot allow to go unpunished. The primary mission of the campus is to educate its students, and as such the primary goal of the student body should be to educate itself.
A cesspit of students has formed in the dark underbelly of our campus, intent on obstructing not just themselves but the entire student body from accomplishing our primary objective. Not only do they prevent proper information and education, but they dare go so far as to spread misinformation and heinous lies in a dubious effort to weaken our minds.
They call themselves, and I shudder even to speak their name, the Quackmire. Their sins are unforgivable, and their transgressions too deep to be overlooked any longer. Just last week they made the claim Biden rapped the State of the Union Address to appeal to America’s youth. Blasphemy! We all know our president cannot speak eloquently nor quickly enough to rap!
As if they hadn’t already stepped over the line, they even went so far as to say our dearly beloved Chancellor Jeremy Haefner will be replacing Henry Cavill as the new Superman. Again, a clear and malicious spread of misinformation by this evil club. I know this can’t be true, because I recently accepted the role of Superman, not our chancellor.
The University has allowed these activities to go on for far too long, and in doing so has indirectly supported these obstructions to their own mission statement. Our education is on the line, our scholarly inquiry certainly isn’t being advanced and I personally am sick of this inaction. Quackmire, I’m watching you. And now so is everybody else, be careful of your next moves.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I personally am not willing to let the thousands upon thousands of dollars I spend to attend school here be flushed down the drain by some quacks who disguise their malintent with the name of a ‘club’ which meets on Mondays 7-8 p.m. in room 1800 of the Community Commons.
