The following is satire for the Opinions section.
The student body of the University of Denver has found itself in a foofaraw, oxymoronically due to the wonderful dining hall provided to them. With meals from Sodexo, plenty of space and fairly long hours, the dining hall seems to be among the last places one would look if they wanted to find uproar.
However, there is a darker side of the hall, one hidden in moral ambiguity and corruption. One which this reporter has recently brought to light. A number of students, all of whom will remain anonymous in order to protect their lives, have attested that the dining hall silverware is free to grab.
These “broke college students,” as they claim to be, in their desperation discovered that the silverware, the plates, even the cups of the dining hall lack the names that would save them from the golden rule we all know so well: finders keepers, losers weepers. In the dining hall, the silverware — none of which is bolted down — seems to magically restock itself overnight, providing an ample supply of free/found commodities for the student body.
One student attested, “I mean, I’ll take one every day. A fork here, a spoon there. Heck if I’m really feeling dangerous I’ll even take an entire napkin dispensary.”
The thought sends (middling) shivers down your correspondent’s spine, as I’m sure it does yours. What (understandable) sin! What (moderate) thievery! However, the incidents do not stop at mere silverware. Of the eleven students I was able to interview, nine of them had stolen silverware or cups …but three of them had even stolen hot sauce bottles or salt and pepper shakers! Oh, the condimental humanity!
The university staff has maintained radio silence on this topic, likely understanding that if their students are paying over $55,000 they deserve some free commodities.
While lining their pockets with the prizes of the dining hall, the student body finds itself morally dubious at best. Perhaps the occasional theft can be forgiven. After all, nobody filled their personal containers with liquids from the drink dispensers. Your correspondent thanks goodness that there are still some lines humanity won’t bold-facedly cross.
The same student later attested, “I have never, and will never, fill a personal bottle at the drink station. I might be a thief, a burglar, or a criminal if you’re so inclined, but I have standards.” This student was later seen filling a hydro flask with Dr. Pepper from the aforementioned station.
The true moral of the story is that college students are perhaps somewhat entirely broke. And that, although it may be morally questionable to take the occasional item from the dining hall, your correspondent found over 80% of the student body is doing it. And so, as we all know, if everybody else is doing it, there’s no negative consequence for doing it yourself. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and there’s no breed of human more desperate than a college student.
