The following is a satire for the Opinions section. 

DENVER– Jan. 18 brought freezing drizzle and hearty gusts to the Mile High City. By 8 a.m. on DU’s campus, things were getting pretty slippery. The notorious brick sidewalks were covered in black ice and few salt crystals could be seen. Students were forced to decide whether to brave the elements or stay inside. I decided to brave the elements and fell a good couple of times. Here is what I learned. 

Don’t be cocky, the ice will humble you. 

Don’t wear sneakers. The best options for this climate are stealing cleats from your friend who plays soccer or going barefoot. Barefoot might seem like a bad choice but it’s not, as the pain of your foot freezing will distract you from the pain when you inevitably fall flat on your face.  

You don’t need good balance, you have hands. This means that they should be empty. Definitely don’t carry a container of watermelon across the most slippery part of the sidewalk then drop it and shed a couple of tears in front of some grad students. 

Don’t, under any circumstance, do the “rock climbing fall” if you start to slip. This is where you land on your feet and then sometimes roll onto your back to absorb the energy. Especially don’t do the “rock climbing fall” when you’re crossing a street. As you start to slip, you should begin running and try to get to some frosty grass or a grayish snowbank to faceplant into. Then, pretend that you meant to do it so that people don’t laugh. 

Don’t grab onto your friend when you begin to slip. It can only end poorly as they’ll either drop their Starbucks to save you or they’ll choose their Starbucks over you and you’ll feel sad. 

Maybe just don’t even walk anywhere. You never know when the ice might strike, so better safe than sorry.