The following is a satire for the Opinions section.
The Elevator
Stepping into the brand new community common’s bathrooms will immediately give one a sense of calm. Soft pop oozes out of the recessed speakers, and light floods each stall, maximizing visibility. The number of stalls means there is never a wait and the experience is always a good one. Who doesn’t want to listen to elevator music while doing their business?
Sponsored by Bang Energy
Around the corner of the cafe inside the Anderson Academic Commons, two single-stall bathrooms sit and wait for the energy-drink-addicted students to burst through their doors. What lucky bathrooms.
Homesick? More like coast sick
Blue floor tile and a leaky sink pipe (that drips on your feet when washing your hands) make the J-Mac bathrooms equivalent to an experience in the ocean. They feel like home to the students from the coast who are missing the ocean.
The Favorite Child
If one were to break into a building solely to use a bathroom, Dimond would be the go-to building.
Goldilocks
The Halls bathrooms are either boiling hot, bone-chillingly cold, or just right. Additionally, if the bathroom begins to randomly flood up from the drains, or floodwater starts to drip down from the ceiling, don’t count on it being fixed quickly. The shower stalls (except for the hot-cold shower only present on a couple of floors) give off a dark and moody vibe. Delightful.
The Airplane
Though you definitely shouldn’t try to flush rocks down any toilets, if you wanted to, Towers would be the place to try it. Characterized by high water pressure and suction, Towers bathrooms get the job done with no hassle.
The Peekaboo
Somebody measured the stall doors wrong in Sturm so watch where you look as you enter the bathroom or you might make eye contact with someone doing their business. Additionally, during class hours the lines are so long you’re better off using one of the next-door bushes.
The Water Jets
According to Cole, a first-year student living in Towers, “the sinks at Olin are like little jets” and “there’s no control over the pressure”. It might seem odd that this one building has such strong pressure but after all, it is a chemistry building. Nobody wants students walking around with chemicals all over their hands. Good for DU for installing a system to prevent a chemical-gate
The Old Fashioned
A couch sits alone in a used to be anteroom outside the women’s bathroom in the Boettcher Center. The fabric is faded and the springs are rusted but for some reason, it’s never been moved. This must mean that it’s either been built into the structure of the building or that it holds a special spot in DU’s heart. The bathroom itself has a couple of sinks and stalls but is nothing to write home about.
The Creepy One
During after-class hours you’ll always be able to hear some student plunking away on a piano in some faraway corner giving Lamont bathrooms a haunted feel.
