The following is a satire from the Opinions section. 

Welcome to beautiful, sunny Colorado. Take in the lovely mountain air through one of our complimentary N95 filtration masks. They work for both the devastating pandemic ravaging the world and for the state’s own calamitous forest fires. 

Do not worry, we have developed a solution. Our scientists have found that 100% of people who stopped breathing have completely halted their intake of harmful gases. This breathtaking discovery came under fire after its fatal side effect was unearthed. 

Local government has been slow to respond to the fires, as they await federal aid. A U.S. federal court, however, has declared wildfires to be “an act of God,” and therefore the responsibility of a divine entity. God has not announced any plans to mitigate the crisis and refused to comment.

With a lack of a scientific, government or divine remedy, Coloradans have taken matters into their own hands. Some Colorado Springs residents attempted to fight fire with fire, but that has only worsened the circumstances. Denverites have tried to use social media campaigns to douse the flames, but they have yet to see any results.

With the fire enveloping more and more of the state, many Colorado residents feel hopeless. Luckily, in a recent press release, the international community has developed a comprehensive containment plan to eliminate the fire that plagues the state. Kris Kringle developed the plan after Colorado Governor Jared Polis asked for the wildfires to “go away” on his Christmas list. Mr. Clause’s plan is set to take effect Christmas Day on the condition Polis stays off the naughty list.