Editor’s Note: The following is a satire piece from the Opinions section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Submissions in the Opinions section do not represent the DU Clarion or the Editorial Board. Letters to the Editor reflect the view of a member of the campus community and are submitted for approval. 

Houston Rockets General Manager, Daryl Morey, tweeted in support of the people of Hong Kong, he received massive backlash from the league and prominent NBA individuals, including Lebron James.

This event covered up some lesser-known political sports news. 

For instance, the National Toe Wrestling Association has come out in support of tyrannical Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad in an effort to expand their Middle Eastern market.

Dodgeball legend Peter La Fleur has disappeared without a trace after speaking out against Vladimir Putin’s tyrannical Russian government. A statement from the league said, “He never existed. We don’t know what you’re talking about.“

In E-Sports news, the World Wide Pong Game Association is divided among its four members after the league’s commissioner defected to North Korea.

—

School lunch debt is in the news. Currently, one school district has led their board to institute a new “Coliseum Policy.” 

The coliseum initiative takes it one step further. A statement from the head of the school board outlined that, “While solving the district’s budgetary shortfalls, the coliseum will also provide students with ever needed vigorous physical activity and improvisational problem solving skills.”

At the end of the school year, all students with over 30 dollars in lunch debt will compete in a coliseum-fighting tournament. One anonymous 7th grader told the Clarion, “I really hope Jerry doesn’t pay for his chocolate milk. I really want to get back at him for stealing my smelly pencil.”