WELCOME ONE AND all to DU high; the perfect-size college that still gives you the feeling that you’re still in high school.

Worried that people won’t talk about you, or that nasty rumors won’t be spread around like a fire in Colorado during a drought?

Have no fear, DU is here. The perfect sized university that gives you the feeling of a big-time school, while still giving that good old high school atmosphere you thought you’d left behind.

Freshmen get the chance to erase all those impressions they left behind in high school, and get a chance to start from scratch on being just who they really want to be. Want to be a pot head? Then just grab a bowl and start smoking. Want to be a drunk? Better start now with the heavy stuff; remember the higher the proof the better.

Want to be known as someone who gets around? Find a partner as fast as you can, and get started with the busy work, the faster you get to the “no-no cha-cha” the quicker you’ll get there. Want to be known as a nerd? Get to the library; there’s a million books to read and if you want to read all of them you have no time to waste.

Careful though, you only get one chance to build preconceived notions about yourself to show everyone who you really are. After that, your name will be written on the bathroom wall, will be passed around on notes during class, and will be so tarnished by the time we’re through with it that you’ll not even be sure if you’re who we want you to be.

Truth is you can be whoever you want to be, but watch out because on your way there we’re going to tell everyone we can about your every move. At DU it’s our job to judge you on everything you do, because it’s not like we have anything better to do. If we had a good bar to go to, we’d be there, but the Border isn’t the number one college bar in America any more, and the bartender at the Stadium will yell at you if you go there, so instead we turn to our cell phones and we spill every little piece of information we can.

So watch out, because we’re always watching you. Here at DU you can be whoever you want to be, but that’s not what I’m gonna tell everybody.