The following is satire for the Opinions section of The Clarion.
Disaster has struck in the University of Denver residential building, Nelson Hall. Residents of the dormitory have reported a higher-than-normal rate of missing clothes. At first, the disappearances were attributed to a ne’er-do-well resident or elaborate prank, until student-held stakeouts ruled out the possibility as garments continued to be eaten while under watch.
The reports started earlier this quarter and have gradually escalated to full loads. The matter was only given more attention recently when a student was heard screaming for help. Upon the witness’s arrival, a dryer appeared to partially trap the victim’s reaching arms inside the drum with anthropomorphic vigor.
Only after the incident was a disclaimer from the manufacturer discovered which detailed the new machines’ need for a greater variety in diet compared to old models, which could survive on lint and the occasional sock.
Although no physical harm came to the student, the event has left him deeply traumatized and considering legal action after recovery. Worst of all, he may never wash his clothes again.
This incident followed the transition over the summer from paid Speed Queen laundry to new, free machines for all campus residents. Students and university leadership alike rejoiced over the improved amenity. There couldn’t be a better deal: dorm residents receive free laundry for the small price of a yearly 3.3% increase in tuition and fees, and a 1.2% increase in annual room and board.
However, the increase in tuition and room and board only covered the installation of the new laundry machines. Now that the students are not paying per load, the university has had to find other sources of funding for its continued operation. Fortunately, the Speed Queen Commercial Mega Load Devourer washer and dryer models can run off an army of miniature gremlins living within its metal confines.
The Denver Clarion confirmed that the gremlins’ employment complies with (most) federal and state labor laws, though their alleged compensation is a fraction of a student’s will to live per load. A confidential source informed us that the university planned to blame the recent incident on the gremlins, until they threatened to unionize and make demands of a set salary and student tears as a yearly bonus.
The Nelson Hall laundry room will be temporarily closed while the incident is being investigated. In the meantime, students are encouraged to utilize alternative locations set up with manual washers and wringers, available at the Dan’s Garden engineering pond for dark loads, or any fountain by the Evans Memorial Chapel for lights. The closure will briefly put a stop to students who can’t be bothered to wait five minutes before immediately taking out others’ wet clothing and dumping it on the floor.
