The following is satire for the Opinions section.
Astrologers have been doomsday prepping on a scale not seen since the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012 for the upcoming Mercury double-retrograde. People are canceling plane tickets, putting off asking for promotions and speeding up their moving process to avoid the planetary chaos. But why?
To answer these questions and more, I’ve consulted a local University of Denver expert, Jenna Tolls, an 18-year-old from Baltimore who’s been practicing astrology and writing fan fiction since the start of the pandemic.
“So, like, I was spending a lot of time on Tiktok and, like, kinda fell down a rabbit hole,” Tolls said. “A retrograde is like when a planet moves backwards, I think? It’s supposed to mean bad luck or something, I don’t know.” I’m thanking my lucky stars (haha) that I have an expert like Jenna to consult about this.
Actually, a little known fact is that astrology has been scientifically proven to affect people and their decisions. According to gravitational astrophysics experts at NASA, the movement of celestial bodies does have a significant impact on our daily lives.
Tolls remarked,“Yeah, ok, so, like … not my idea, but humans are 70% water and the moon affects water so…” Earth-shattering stuff. It’s mind boggling that close-minded people still don’t believe in astrology even with such concrete evidence.
As if you need more convincing, let me lay out a little logic train for you. The next retrograde is expected to hit between May 10 and Jun. 2. May 10. Do you know what else happened on May 10? Legendary American poet Shel Silverstein passed away at the age of 69 (nice!).
One of Shel Siverstein’s hit poems was titled “Cloudy Sky.” And when was Shel Silversten born? On Sept. 25, making him a Libra. And everyone knows Libra is an air sign, and Libras are often intelligent and peaceful but also frank.
Now, tell me, would a frank person not try to warn us of this incoming disaster? It seems to me like an intelligent person who values peace and honesty would try to tell the people through his poetry about the upcoming retrograde apocalypse. Siverstein was trying to warn us and we were too blind to see it! Wake up people!
If you still aren’t convinced, I have one more piece of rock solid evidence. The planet Mercury is going into retrograde. Mercury is named after an ancient Roman god, but is also the name of an atomic element. Mercury the element is also commonly referred to as “quicksilver” because of its liquid, silver form at room temperature.
Quicksilver’s atomic number is 80. Now this next step requires some higher level thinking so I’ll need readers to pay very special attention. The retrograde will be over by June 2, or the second day of the sixth month. If we add those numbers together we get two plus six. Two plus six equals eight and mercury’s atomic number is 80. If we then divide 80 by 8, we get 10. The exact day that the retrograde is predicted to start—May 10—and the day Silverstein died. It’s all connected together, it all rhymes, but do you know what else rhymes? Poetry.
