The following is a satire from the Opinions section.
Halloween 2020 was undoubtedly frightening, though not in the way one would expect.
Many took the unique opportunity to get creative with their costumes, attempting to frighten others in a new way. There was a surprising use of sound machines, as wheezing and coughing were some of the most common noises. Sniffling and other nose-related noises came at a close third.
The news cycle made an appearance as always. Trumps and Bidens, however, had a weak showing among trick-or-treaters. The most-worn costume was the fearsome coronavirus itself, an enlarged protein-covered particle. Many felt the costume was a poor joke, but they refrained from approaching those who donned it.
Others took a more ethical approach to the festivities, emerging from their homes in transparent hamster balls with radii of six or more feet. However, it is unclear whether or not all of these were costumes. When asked, several of those inside the balls were unaware of the date. In one of the scariest moments of the night, a Halloween-er took on a new disguise within a hamster ball. They were mistaken as a pinball after a slight slope rolled the capsule into heavy traffic. Luckily, no injuries were sustained, save those to pride.
In another development of the night, many trick-or-treat participating neighborhoods have requested their bowls be returned. In an attempt to avoid the in-person exchange Halloween often elicits, bowls on doormats became 2020’s popular form of candy dissemination. In light of this, several entrepreneurial high schoolers are reported to have formed a committee to look into the disappearance. Many of the bowls have already been recovered, the candy unfortunately missing.
Thankfully, a majority of households chose to forgo the usual treat for something of more utility. Hand sanitizer, bacterial wipes and surgical masks were available at every other home. Those who shifted from candy to cleaning products were widely praised for their ingenuity and initiative. Many of those who ventured out on Saturday night to collect candy from heavily trafficked bowls, during a pandemic, suffered unfortunate widespread mental lapses. This left them helplessly sanitizer-less until Cheryl swooped to the rescue.
Bowls filled with hand sanitizer were left mysteriously untouched, likely indicating the thieves’ respect for such households.
In addition to the bowl thieves, DU campus police are also searching for a student now known as “The Grinch of Halloween.” The suspect was responsible for the destruction of nearly every pumpkin on High Street, a crime that is punishable by pillory pelting with the remaining pumpkin seeds of the aggrieved fruits. Public humiliation is the only acceptable recompense for one who believes destroying the spirit of Halloween to be trivial.
