The following is a satire from the Opinions section.

Enough snow fell last week to allow for a delayed opening to be called by the University of Denver. The students at DU felt relieved by this delay, due to the whopping four inches of snow that fell and little-to-no icy conditions. Some students were luckily able to safely traverse from their beds to laptops. 

One student stated they were reassured that the University of Denver was thinking about the safety of their students in such unusual weather conditions. 

Students messaged one another about how the university was bravely plowing campus pathways, a couple of hours into the school day and long after the snow had fallen.

During the delay, DU’s administration hired a Snow Committee to observe the snow and discuss whether the school should plow it or not. The committee pointed out that the snow could be a good photo-op for DU’s promotional posters and flyers. After their deliberation, they noted the pathways should be plowed so students could attend class.

A member of DU’s administration discussed this new committee, saying, “This new tuition increase allows us to fund another committee which will help aid the students in these trying times.” 

The city of Denver, however, continued to refuse to plow the snow. City officials stated they liked how pretty it looked and did not want to disturb the aesthetic.