As we are all well aware, Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us, and that means that all you happy couples across campus are going to step it up a notch in the obnoxious public display of affection department.

As a thoroughly embittered single for what feels like the millionth year in a row on this most romantic of commercially generated holidays, I feel it is my solemn duty to climb up on my soapbox and try to ruin things for you. That’ll teach you to happily mind your own business.

Because I cannot physically be there to throw ice water on every couple that decides to whisper sweet nothings and nibble one another’s earlobes while I’m waiting in line to get coffee, I find myself resorting to other methods of ruining your happiness for no particular reason other than my own jealousy. And so, all you happy couples, I now give you the gift that keeps on giving: doubt.

Why Your Boyfriend Sucks

So you’ve got yourself a boyfriend, and he’s the funniest, smartest, most handsome and nicest guy you’ve ever met and you’re going to be together forever and ever. You say otherwise to your friends so they won’t judge you for enslaving yourself to the will of a man, but search your feelings. You know it to be true. You’re wrong though, and let me tell you why.

First of all, he’s not funny. Not even kinda. He’s actually quite boring. The problem is that you’re very attracted to him and suddenly his ability to quote “Superbad” on command and his amazing Borat impression become comic genius. Think carefully the next time he makes a joke. Is it actually clever, or did he just mutter something along the lines of, “That’s so gay!” and spend roughly the next five minutes high-fiving his friends? The answer may surprise you.

The same principle applies to how smart he is. Your “love-goggles”-as they’re commonly referred to-have your man solving complex equations with one hand while penning staggering works of almost incomprehensible genius with the other. But when you take those goggles off, you’ll see he’s barely scraping by in his business ethics class and has carefully arranged his 12-credit schedule so that he can sleep in until 2 p.m. daily. You’re dating a moron.

So why are you dating him? Excellent question. It can’t be just his looks because that would make you shallow. I’ll leave you to ponder on that while we move to our next section.

Why Your Girlfriend Sucks

Got yourself a girlfriend, eh? And I bet you think she’s just the sweetest, most amazing girl you’ve ever been with and you’re real lucky to have her. You don’t talk that way in front of the guys, but we all know what you feel deep down. You’re wrong though, and let me tell you why.

She’s not sweet. In fact, she’s the opposite of sweet. She’s an evil harpy that would just as soon pluck out a man’s eyes and feed them to her young as she would look at him. Think about it: how many times have you seen your girlfriend greet another one of her female friends with a huge smile and a hug and excited fast-talking?

And how many times, once this other girl is out of earshot, has your girlfriend turned to you and said something along the lines of, “God, I hate that fake bitch.” I reckon it’s been more than a few times. “That’s just the way girls are,” you might say. If that’s the case, I wonder what she says about you once you’re out of earshot.

And think carefully about all the little “errands” she gets you to run. I’ll bet you’ve been to the store once or twice when you didn’t need anything because she wanted you to pick her up some innocuous little item that she easily could have gotten on her own time. She didn’t have to interrupt your special time with the X-Box to do that. She did so to prove she’s got you wrapped around her little finger, to demonstrate you are under her complete control.

“It’s not like that,” I hear you saying. “I get repaid in full…if you know what I mean.” Yes, very good. You deserve a high five for that clever allusion. But if it’s true, and not just an egotistical exaggeration, that means she’s exchanging physical intimacy for goods and services. That means you’re dating a hooker. I wonder who else is dating your hooker?

All right, I’ve said my piece. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!