The following is a satire for the Opinions section. 

“If it looks like chicken, feels like chicken but does not taste or smell like chicken… is it still chicken?” A lone DU student sits among his friends, quietly prodding the oven-roasted, rosemary rubbed perfectly shaped chicken breast on his plate with disinterest. It is a lasting reminder of the 14 days he spent in isolation with just a runny nose. 

Anosmia is defined by Merriam-Webster as the “loss or impairment of the sense of smell” and has impacted millions of people recovering from COVID-19 over the globe. For some, this side effect has been a slight irritation whereas for others it is the worst punishment, forcing the foodiest foodies to push back their plates in dismay. This loss of smell might seem all bad but there is one winner: restaurants. With so many anosmia-ridden customers, they no longer have to buy spices. 

An anonymous spokesperson from Illegal Pete’s, a Colorado-based “mission style” burrito eatery, shared that they too have begun eliminating spice from their food. Chile powder, cumin, Mexican oregano and garlic powder are now a thing of the past. They have begun teaching their workers how to mime table salt and mixing in other spices instead of actually adding them — nobody seems to notice.

For some reason, this spice elimination has not impacted the DU dining hall. Freshman biology major, Nema Alfsifide, says that while she is “concerned about the culinary quality” in the general Denver metropolitan area as “spices are an integral part of the art of cooking and without them food turns into solely fuel”. She did say however, that she’s “really grateful for the flavorful and well made food in the DU dining hall.”

The new DU dining hall which opened this past January houses 8 separate food stations: Stir Fry, 7 Spoons (food from around the world), Grill, Greens, Vegetarian/Vegan, Pure & Simple (food without the most common allergens), Pizza and Pasta. Together these stations make a tasty and enjoyable dining experience. 

Alfsifide noted that one of the reasons she picked DU was for the food and convivial energy during meals which have been wonderful in comparison to the spiceless and moodless meals off-campus. Though Alfsifide still has all her taste buds intact, she acknowledged that many people do not, so she shared two recipes, enclosed below, for people suffering from anosmia. Happy eating!

Butternut (and ONLY Butternut) Squash Soup

1. Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. 
2. Add squash and cook until it begins to soften, stirring occasionally, for 8-10 minutes. 
3. Add 3 cups of broth. Bring to a boil, cover, and reduce heat to a simmer. Cook until squash is tender. 
4. Let cool slightly then pour the soup into a blender, working in batches if necessary, and blend until smooth. If too thick, add up to 1 more cup of broth and blend.
5. Season with nothing as it will be a waste of money.

“It looks like Pesto” Pesto Pasta

1. Pull out a green food coloring tube. 
2. Cook your pasta in a large pot of unsalted boiling water according to the package directions.
3. Before draining the pasta, reserve some of the starchy pasta water. Then, add ¼ cup of this pasta water back into the pot with your green food coloring. Stir until even.
4. Toss the cooked pasta and spinach mush until the green food coloring fully coats it.
5. Finish everything off with some toasted pine nuts just for the crunch. No lemon, salt, pepper or red pepper flakes are necessary.