The following is a satire for the Opinions section.
Across the Denver metropolitan area, kids of all ages celebrate the breakthrough that seemed impossible only one school year ago.
Is it 15 extra minutes of recess? A fun yet nutritious meal provided by the school? Did schools stop making references to current pop culture?
No. While those accomplishments would have been equally noteworthy, kids are dancing in their homes because the cooties epidemic has come to a close. Due to Colorado’s extended mask mandate, strict social distancing requirements and the increased use of online and virtual teaching, cases of the cooties virus have dropped to zero. Parents and teachers are breathing a sigh of relief.
However, young adults have not received the news all too well. Students at the University of Denver have complained the restrictions put in place by the university and state have made life too unnatural and uneventful. While cooties have taken thousands of lives, halted economic growth and forced audiences to purchase Mulan for $30 on Disney Plus, their issue with these restrictions is not the monotony of daily life. It is the clear and blatant violation of our right as young adults to find intimate contact with strangers we have known for 30 minutes.
With a piece of cloth over our faces, how will we ever determine the attractiveness of our potential night partners? When we stand six feet apart, how will we hear each other repeatedly state how we are “dying” (figuratively, of course) due to classes? When we see each other through Zoom, how will we have awkward one night stands with dramatic consequences? These are the questions students are asking every day and demand be answered soon.
Even with the cooties virus eradicated, there is still a bleak future for those on campus. Some students have voiced concerns for the up-and-coming Seclusion-20 virus that could hit DU and other campuses around the country. As usual, these concerns are well-warranted. Already, three outbreaks totaling nine cases have cropped up on DU’s campus. It has gotten so bad at the University of Colorado at Boulder that the school has ordered a mandatory two-week quarantine to slow the spread of the virus.
According to experts, while this new virus is easily transmissible through the air and on hard surfaces, it can also be contracted through too much time spent alone in a dorm, eating by yourself and turning off your camera during Zoom classes. Symptoms include water protruding from your eye sockets, increased sense of want and desire and excessive binging.
While we can not escape this pandemic-to-be, we must voice our concerns about the violations schools across the country are enacting. Strip your shackle of a mask off, and lick the injustice off door handles. Washing your hands? If you even consider it, you will be exiled to the wretched nation of Canada. Social distancing? Kiss everyone you see. At the end of the day, the responsibility falls on us to end this virus, and it starts by being free.
