Okay, so it’s clear that most Americans enjoy a wholesome bandwagon jump. Especially when it comes to local sports teams whose success has been inconsistent, if existent.
But for some of us, the name Sherman means absolutely nothing, aside from its constant repetition within our Facebook newsfeed. We may have even inquired which state the Seahawks hail from. And what was with the guy with the mustache doing yelling “OMAHA” repeatedly at the Stadium Inn on Sunday night?
It’s time, my friends, for us to band together, not in militant opposition of egg-shaped objects being hurled through the air by frighteningly muscular men, but to preserve our justified indifference in a time when the American people will all but force our football IQ to increase without our consent. Here are some ways to avoid the mania.
1. Go to a library
Actually, just go anywhere with books. News Flash: Libraries and bookstores don’t have TVs, so incessant slow motion replays won’t be coercing your gaze.
2. Get in touch with friends from abroad
As a general rule, no one but the good old U.S. of A. cares about our wonky version of football, so WhatsApp your foreign friends and reminisce about that accidental drunken visit to the Louvre or tell stories from that backpacking trip through Patagonia.
3. Go see a jazz show
Because jazz is high art. And football fans don’t like high art. Duh.
4. Blanket forts, obviously
Aside from providing necessary shelter from the football hysteria storm, blanket fort construction is an intricate and often overlooked art form.
5. “OMG, I love broncos.”
Then proceed to dazzle an unassuming listener with acute knowledge of rodeo, of which they will soon grow bored and politely exit the conversation.
6. Replace the TV with an aquarium
When did TVs become the center of the living room anyway? Maybe don’t go as far as trashing your roommates TV “Office Space” style (however tempting it may be), but a few freshwater fish make a captivating alternative to the constant overstimulation of Super Bowl commercials.
7. Avoid bars that serve beer
Beer and football are soul sisters. Where one goes, the other follows. Check out that snazzy champagne bar or an intimate wine room.
8.If you see someone wearing orange and blue, or those other colors that that other team wears, run the other direction
Quickly. And cover your tush, lest they smack it in encouragement.
9. Post Facebook statuses about Super Bowl commercials and their unapologetic reinforcement of rape culture and gender roles
Seriously though. Don’t forget the real stuff amidst the haze of processed food and testosterone spikes.
10. Go to the mall
It’s still possible to partake in America’s culture of excess, just without all the yelling, tasteless attire and stale beer aromas.
11. Get your wisdom teeth out
Maybe not the ideal scenario… but people will certainly leave you alone and you won’t even be tempted to partake in raucous yelling or overimbibing.
12. Have a super bowl (of cereal)
Acquire mixing bowl. Pour half a box of cereal. Add milk. Devour. Repeat.
13. Watch golf
Just kidding. No one watches golf. Plus, the TV’s already been replaced by an aquarium, right?
14. Spend Super Bowl Sunday in the vast, untainted wilderness centering your qi or something cool like that
Meditating on nature can be just as satisfying a release as screaming at distant brawny men.
It won’t be easy. It might be very hard.
And if all else fails, accept the copious portions of food and alcohol offered to you and chuckle into your free drink as you watch the rest of America flail about wearing matching synthetic fabrics. Just keep your excitement to a minimum when the goalie misses that final homerun. Wait… that’s not right, is it?
