The following is a satire piece from the Opinions section.
Okay, so it’s almost time to go home. You got your plane ticket, your bags are packed and you can almost smell that Thanksgiving turkey. But you still have to make it through finals. This dreaded week is the bane of all students’ existence. How can we possibly prepare for so many exams in such a short period of time? You will quickly come to the decision that winging it is not the best option, so you will have to grab those dusty textbooks and find a place to study. You may ask yourself, ‘where should I study?’ Well, I am here today to help you make that decision, or more correctly, inform you of the only place on-campus that is even remotely suitable for academic study.
The inexperienced student will go to the library for their academic study. Most likely they will find themselves in the basement or, as I like to call it, the dungeon. That lightless void that we call the bottom floor of the Anderson Academic Commons (AAC) is no place for a respectable student such as yourself to study. It is dark, dreary, and somehow damp. The dungeon is a black hole, trapping students there for hours never to be seen again (or at least until the library closes). This dark underworld is surely not the place you want to prepare for what could be the most important test of your life.
Now, you may be wondering, if not the library, then where? My dorm room? Beans? Outside? No, no and no, all those places are almost as bad as the library. Your dorm room is full of distractions. Beans is loud and public. Surely, you must be joking with the last one. Outside? Really?
No, the answer is really quite simple. Where on-campus do people prepare for the most difficult and crucial exams of their lives? The law school. The Sturm College of Law is by far the greatest place to prep for those pesky fall finals. This study machine has three floors of study, each quieter than the last, with large windows for natural light and most importantly the law students. Why are the law students the most important? Well, when you are stressing over that last exam, just look around at all the law students who will be taking a much more difficult exam, then relax and be grateful you are not one of them.
