As seniors approach their graduation date many of us are secretly pondering how we can get away with staying in college for another four years without failing.

Soon, gone will be the Red Bull benefits,

Burberry discussions, and overall feeling of youth. While we think we are grown up we fear being unsuccessful, jobless, and uncool.

However, we must persevere. So as a step in the right direction, I have decided to present the ideal resume to my adoring public.

Let us begin by creating an objective: “To acquire a job that will challenge me mentally and intellectually.”

Secretly, the mental challenge will be getting up at six instead of 3 o’clock in the afternoon. And the intellectual challenge?

To learn something worthwhile, instead of all those film classes you took in communications, dork.

Secondly, an employer likes to know the hobbies you enjoy. “Recreation, reading, and arithmetic.”

Just kidding, no one likes arithmetic. However, recreation and reading are an important part of your resume.

Although, if asked, do not say your idea of recreation is collecting shot glasses or that your reading consists primarily of the USA Today sports page and comics. Because no one wants to hire an alcoholic comic book collector — that doesn’t really sell a product, now does it?

Well, except for comic books and Public Service Announcements about alcoholism.

Third, when it comes to experience, list what you have done.

Isn’t it obvious? Even if you are exaggerating put it down.

Granted I am not advocating lying but we have come to know that honesty is often not what we want.

Let us simulate an interview: “Miss, does this Neiman Marcus dress make me look pretty?,” asks a customer. Uncomfortable pondering silence… “Yes,” you manage.

The level of exaggeration I advocate is minute.

So don’t say you are mathematically inclined just because you answered one problem right on your calculus test because that would be dishonest and wrong…if you get caught.

Lastly, letters of recommendation are an important part of any applicant’s, application process.

Keep in mind that no matter how much your mom says you are wonderful and super cool, your employer knows she does your laundry and picks up after you.

That being the case they may want to hire her instead of your inept ass.

In this case, ass meaning donkey, since we all know that donkeys have hooves and are inept at typing so employers wouldn’t hire them.

Remember that letters of reference should come from people that like you and think you are capable.

Narrow down the field of who can give you a glowing recommendation.

Your end result should be an elimination of all “drinking” buddies and that person you met at the Border, etc.

If worst comes to worst, ask that teacher that still put up with you even after all those absences and “explanations” for not turning in your paper…loser.

Ultimately we all need a little luck when it comes to a job search.

Not me, though, I have my references all set.

So if you are looking for a super cool and smart columnist and you are reading this right now, please contact Evan “Hot Oven” Friedman and Dan “The Man” Martin.

I bid you all a good day.