One of these days I’m just going to give up and eat him–I mean, I really want to eat him… not because he tastes good like salmon or berries (in fact, I’m almost sure he doesn’t), but he pisses me off. He keeps me on a chain and gives me dead fish (not good fish like a salmon or a trout, but bad fish like a tuna or a pickled eel), and sometimes a fizzy drink that makes me feel lightheaded or makes me want to kill. What really gets my goat is that I can pretty much forget about hibernating-that was a pretty sweet deal too, nothing but dreaming about mauling campers for months.

He nurtures his young. If I had young I would eat them and they would taste like berries. He also likes to find a mate and live with her for a while. If I found a mate I might eat her if she followed me around. Sometimes his mate says something like, “Hey, lets do it in front of your bear.” I don’t know what that means. Then he might say, “OK, I’d love to do it in front of the bear.” I also don’t know what that means, but then he takes the skin off of his legs and she might laugh at him and he might get mad and say, “Watch out. I’ve got a bear.” Then they mate and I want to kill them.

One time he lived with the same mate for many seasons. Sometimes he gave his mate good things like fish or things that were shiny, and this made me very angry because I wanted the fish, so I tried to kill them, but he made things that were sharp like bees attack me and I fell asleep.

His mate attacked him one day when she saw him mating with another female, and he only defended himself by saying things. She clawed and tried to maul him, and he said, “Baby I’m so, so sorry. I love you. I messed up, I’m sorry.” I don’t know what that means. I think he just wanted her to stop mauling him, but they got too close to me when she was mauling him and I tried to kill them, but they got away.

I never saw that mate again. He didn’t have a mate for many seasons after that, but now he has many different mates and he gives them green things like leaves with faces before they mate. One day, I will eat him.