We have all taken career tests to see what field we could succeed in.
In this the dorks often reap bountiful rewards; just look at Tammy Fay Baker and Caroline Rae. I suppose they are like a call to arms for dorks around the globe.
Sure, most of these careers lead to lucrative futures, but most will just barely pay off that stereo system you so wisely installed in an ’89 Corolla. One career hasn’t been fully explored – pet fortune telling.
I’d like to be like Miss Cleo for pets. I’d like to become a pet psychic for two reasons: people have pets and I have a television.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why didn’t I think of that before?”
Well, I guess you just don’t watch the right kind of television program. Turn to Animal Planet.
It’s a great place to watch that English pet psychic woman at work.
To those who doubt my psychic capabilities, I say this: I don’t need any. I have a dog and I have the Animal Planet channel.
Why couldn’t I become the greatest pet psychic ever? If people can learn to cook from watching Emeril Lagassi, I surely can become a proficient pet psychic from watching Animal Planet.
People are attached to their pets. As we all know, anyone who actually seeks the help of a pet psychic is willing to fork up the cash for the reading. It’s not like it’s hard to guess what animals are thinking. Animal problems can be boiled down to three issues: they don’t want to be left alone, they are hungry, and they likely hate their owners.
Is it really that hard to figure out that a dog who bites and tries to get run over by an ’89 Corolla hates his master?
Even if the problem doesn’t fit into any of the three categories I listed above, I’m not worried. Just because I am not capable of remembering historical dates, birthdays, or to feed my dog, doesn’t mean that I don’t pay attention to TV.
For example, I am pretty sure my dog is ADD and needs Ritalin. See? I can pretty much solve any pet problem. I’m glad I can finally contribute to the animal rights cause and make money from it. Let’s see the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals do that.
But until people like Liza Minnelli, Tammy Fay and Liz Taylor hire me, I’m stuck writing articles for free and looking for change in my couch.
