The following is satire for the Opinions section of the Clarion

Allow me to propose a thought experiment:  you are walking down the street. You overhear someone mumbling about government conspiracies and anti-vaccination, they smell bad and they’re wearing a tinfoil hat. Do you continue with your day, walk right past them and ignore them? Or, like a crazy person, do you take personal offense to their statements and demand they stop talking?

This is in a way (but honestly not at all) the logical extreme of the Supreme Court’s current hearing on NetChoice v. Paxton and Moody v. NetChoice, the new hottest judicial case dealing with the First Amendment. In this instance, we’re dealing with social media, and whether or not those platforms are allowed to ban creators or moderate their own content.

Leaving a company to moderate itself doesn’t seem very American, heck we don’t even like letting other countries moderate themselves (looking at you South America)! So, naturally, all eyes turn to the opinions section of The Clarion to know what they should make of this case. Never fear my sweet summer children, swaddled in the cloth we call ignorance, I’m here to tell you what to think. Coincidentally, just like our politicians! 

So, here’s how you should view the case. You know how some people argue the Civil War was about states’ rights? This is like that. Florida and Texas are throwing a hissy fit because they’re losing the right to incite riots and spread misinformation through social media, spearheaded by (who else?) Ron DeSantis.

Now, let it never be said I’m an unfair man, as I will instead put it down in writing: I am an unfair man. I will not be elaborating on the wrong side of the argument. Instead, I will point out, for no particular reason, that the First Amendment does protect free speech and the right to assemble. But I will also point out it protects those rights SO LONG AS that does not threaten the nation or put others in immediate danger.

I’m not pointing any fingers, I’m just saying one group of people has stormed the capital building within the last two hundred years and it may or may not be the same people who don’t want any social media censorship. All I know for sure is that if social media can no longer moderate its own content, you can bet your sweet skippy I’m promoting my OnlyFans to an ungodly degree.