The following is satire for the Opinions section
Donald Trump. Ron DeSantis. Dean Phillips. Jared Polis. Taylor Swift. One of these things is not like the other. If you have, as I have, a functioning prefrontal cortex, you could identify the odd one out here. She is the only one I’ve listed who doesn’t have any real relationship between politics and her career. However, everything changed when the podcasters attacked.
As covered by the New York Times, the odds are incredibly high (according to MAGA podcasters) that she is a political puppet put into power by the liberal left to spread awareness for Joe Biden in a poorly disguised attempt to get him reelected as leader of their puppet regime. Thankfully, Tay-Tay has been able to “shake off” these allegations by claiming “nuh-uh.”
But let’s take a serious look at the evidence here, and prove once and for all she is the liberal puppet we know her to be! First of all, she’s a woman, and therefore statistically more likely to be liberal. But she’s white as a saltine cracker, so that offsets that point. Secondly, she cares little about the environment. I’ve never seen, in all my years of reporting, a woman more determined to destroy the environment than Taylor Swift and her private jet.
Thirdly, she’s a recently made billionaire, having made an immense profit on her “Eras Tour.” Fourthly, she got her start in country music, which stereotypically promotes Republican conservative ideals. All of these combined prove my point that she’s…a…liberal puppet?
Wait, this can’t be right, is she a conservative puppet instead? No, but, I’m looking at the data here and somehow I’m discovering that Taylor Swift is actually…self-serving and ignorant? But that would mean teenage girls’ favorite billionaire isn’t actually a good person?
Well, it’s a good thing somebody like that can’t actually influence any governmental elections! Oh, oh wait, what’s this article hyperlinked? Oh! It says that 19% of people aged 18-29 would be more likely to vote if Taylor Swift asked them to! This was a Harvard poll, for the record.
Good to know that, as always, America is in good hands.
