The following is satire for the Opinions section.
It’s no secret that the buildings and landmarks of campus are rich in history, both good and bad. Whether that history be the haunting of Mary Reed, the murder of Margery Reed or the seemingly innocuous story of Evans Chapel burning down, only one thing remains constant: ghosts.
Numerous spiritual experts have taken ecstasy on campus and had out-of-body experiences, thereafter shedding insight into why our campus might be so haunted. “Bro, the thing is, man, you gotta get out. Like, just, so much regret. Loans, government’s bad type-beat, y’know?” one of the spiritualists so eloquently informed me.
After my enlightening conversation with the medium (I’ll see you next frat party bro) it was clear why there is so much paranormal activity on campus. Regret. The regret of students, the regret of teachers, of parents who sent their kids to a private university that doesn’t even have a track team and spends all of their money on the hockey team buying them A PRIVATE JET JUST SO THEY CAN LOSE LIKE A BUNCH OF-[redacted].
With so much negative emotion infesting the university, the only question becomes where are the hot spots? Mary Reed is obviously haunted–it literally has a renaissance room–but where else on campus have the ghosts flocked?
Where else but the place college students spend the most time: the dormitories, specifically, the oldest still standing, Johnson-McFarland. Two ghosts, Johnny John Johnson, and Mack Smack McFarland haunt their respective halves of the dorms.
Numerous sources (student and campus police alike) have attested to McFarland being substantially more haunted, Mack Smack having far more evil intentions. The students living in the most haunted place on campus have taken to their only defense — incense. Admittedly, the smoke smells awfully similar to the devil’s lettuce…
This isn’t to say Johnson is free of ghastly encounters. The second floor of Johnson was struck last year by Johnny John Johnson, who contaminated the water fountain of the 2nd floor with the color brown. Luckily, as sophomore sources attest, they could circumvent this problem by taping a picture of big yoshi to the water fountain. That part isn’t a joke. It happened last year.
I live in Johnson myself, and have had more than one paranormal experience in my own room! A white sheet, convulsing on my male roommate’s bed. My roommate’s body could barely be made out under the sheets, illuminated by a sickly light from some sort of spirit box. Clearly, he had been possessed.
Now, you may find it unlikely that McFarland is more haunted, after hearing such tales from Johnson, but as the avid reporter I am, I conducted a poll. Of the three night guards I asked, all three attested McFarland was more haunted than Johnson. Of the 37 denizens of Johnson-McFarland I asked, an overwhelming 32 of them thought McFarland was more haunted. The other five were wrong.
