The following is satire for the Opinions section.
What better way is there to start off the quarter than acknowledging our past mistakes? The Clarion staff, including myself, erred from the path of impartial journalism we’re known for. The Quackmire, which avid readers may recall from our article Is the Quackmire Endangering Life on Campus, called out our organization as being driven by unjust causes.
Jealousy often drives people or organizations to deplorable actions, such as starting a club that rhymes with a Family Guy cast member, and that envy is what we are accused of by the Quackmire. Their derision shows that we need to make our stance more clear. We were wrong in how we approached the situation, and we appreciate the Quackmire for making their own childish and immature stance clear. We do not want to portray the Quackmire with the same animosity and ignorance we did before. We need to more accurately portray them as being much worse.
Condolences to those affected by this deplorable oversight on our behalf, we have made a grievous and continuous lapse of our judgment. Having been rightfully called out for our ineptitude, it’s only right to admit our transgressions and analyze their points against us. Their most legitimate point remains the inference that we peaked in the year 1967, in the bygone era when we still had a newspaper. Damn you COVID-19.
Additionally, it’s clear we were incorrect in calling them a cesspit of students formed in the dark underbelly of our campus. It is more accurate to refer to them as an abomination of insecure leeches disguising themselves as a club. Using their response to boast their average height, referring to themselves as a reporting juggernaut, and singing their praises without a shred of humility proves only one thing: they’re insecure, we were right and this means war.
Finally, the Quackmire poorly photoshopped a hot singles advertisement over our illustrious and cultured home page. Absurd. We have no motive to include this advertisement as we of the Clarion are nubile adults, already married. Married to the grind of true journalism. Like the children they are, they attempt to defame their predecessors in obscene efforts to make themselves seem better.
As Dr. Whitbourne, professor of psychological and brain studies at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, says, “People who feel inferior will often puff themselves up to alleviate their own sense of weakness.”
By utilizing their rebuttal to boast of their skill and accomplishments as opposed to making any legitimate points proves the arguments of our initial article. They remain steadfast in spreading libel, wasting the University’s funds and drawing innocent students into a web of deception and lies that exist only to stroke the ego of a select few students.
We are sorry to the public and sorry to the Quackmire. To the public, we apologize for not realizing and addressing this cyst in our university earlier. To the Quackmire, we apologize for giving you a chance to peacefully retire yourselves. It’s clear the only path left to us is one of verbal bloodshed and animosity. The Clarion is still willing to accept you back with open arms if you wish to atone for your crimes against journalism everywhere.
Otherwise, be aware the Clarion will be reporting on your inevitable and numerous mistakes. And unlike you, we will be doing so by making points and arguments based on fact, as opposed to simply claiming superiority. This forgotten relic of the past, as you called us, has seen clubs like yours rise and fall over our hundred-year history. Perhaps there’s a reason for that. Would you truly like to find out?
