The following is satire for the Opinions section.

Yin and yang, light and darkness, a bowling ball and an egg. The universe is full of natural opposites. However, for a fulfilled life, one has to be able to acknowledge both sides of the metaphysical coin. There exists perhaps no better example of natural opposites that are simultaneously complementary as physical strength and mental prowess.

Thucydides once said, “The nation that makes a great distinction between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools.” An admirable opinion, one that the University of Denver clearly agrees with. Engage in a thought experiment with me. If you were a nerd, where would you go? 

The answer, of course, is the library. And to enter the library one simply has to open the doors. Typically, this would yield no problem. However, in the University’s wisdom, it was decided the doors to the library would weigh upwards of a metric ton (guesstimate).

Some may hand wave this away, claiming the doors were simply poorly designed and their hinges are never oiled. Perhaps they would cite it’s easy enough to wait for somebody to leave the library and sneak in before the door fully closes again. These same people would have you believe that the University of Denver, a private university that recently bought a mountain campus worth millions of dollars, didn’t realize the heft of their doors.

They know what they’re doing, and this correspondent is going to bring it to light. Every time a student enters the library, they’re working out their mind muscles, growing more intelligent. Simultaneously, they’re getting quite the workout, opening the doors to the library both to enter and also to leave. A full body workout every single time a student goes to the library, and they don’t even realize it’s happening. Genius.

Perhaps this may sound a smidge unrealistic, but allow me to provide more proof of the university’s machinations. What else is expected of a student besides studying? Well, going to classes of course. One of the most prominent buildings on campus for this is Sturm Hall, housing upwards of 300 classrooms and offices.

Sturm Hall also, as fate would have it, has four entire floors. Now, the university is (supposedly) humane. They have placed no less than two elevators in the building. But, as both I and many others in the student body will tell you, the elevators take forever and are never in a convenient location. How does this possibly correlate to the University’s plan to increase the physical health of their students?

The stairs! I assure you, I’ve climbed flights of stairs in my day, but none are as arduous and painful as the stairs in Sturm Hall. At minimum, I’ll see two students trip per day (including myself), and when I finally get to the desired floor I can assure you I’m drenched in sweat. 

Every time I go to class? I’m met with a cardiovascular workout even marathon runners would flinch at. Every time I go to the library? A full body test of strength even bodybuilders shudder at the thought of.

The University of Denver may think they’re slick, but I assure you, their secrets will all be brought to light so long as this correspondent attends their school.