The following is satire for the Opinions section. 

Woke up this morning and walked to class. Twenty minutes. Went to scan in and could not find my ID. PANIC. I frantically searched through my pockets, bag and memory to see if I could find it anywhere. It was gone.

Fees in the ID office are $30 for lost cards. Students find themselves in despair the moment that little red card misplaces itself. A last resort: I told all 12,000 University of Denver students on the Crimson Connect app that I lost my ID. Embarrassment. Now everyone knows that I’m a failure who can’t keep track of my stuff.

Future me is $30 poorer and 100% ashamed.

After I called the front desk and had to tell them the secret password to get in, I hid in my room for a while, worried that people would recognize me as the ID loser. Finally, I found the confidence to leave my room and make my way to the ID office.

But when I got there, I couldn’t get in. I knocked on the door but had to wait until a passerby swiped me into the building. When I got in, campus safety was waiting for me. I got down on my knees and pleaded that I was a DU student. But I forgot my phone, and I could not prove anything. Now I am writing this from jail. My one phone call was to the creators of Crimson Connect. Maybe they could help me out.

Two days later, after confirming my identity, the university allowed me to leave my cell. Luck was on my side and the Crimson Connect team posted my bail. Now I walk free, among the Denver population. No ID in sight.

Hopefully one day I can be a student again.