The following is a satire for the Opinions section.
As winter snow descends upon DU, students prepare to go home for the holidays. This holiday season, DU has gifted its students five days of finals the first week of December. The present has been ill-received by students who would rather rest during Thanksgiving week. Nonetheless, exams and papers will pile up higher than the turkey and yams on the day of thanks.
How will students cope? Well, as always, they will study. But with the closure of scholarly havens across campus, students are left wondering where they can prepare. The options may be abysmal, but they are all we have.
A bright-eyed and naive student will consider the outdoors. At first, this notion seems fruitful and enticing. Studying outside allows one to receive fresh air and sunlight, but these amenities come at a chilling price. The winds of winter will quickly turn our innocent pupil into an icy popsicle who regrets not picking a school in the sunshine state.
In desperation, our frozen freshman will trudge wearily into the warmth of the indoors. They may even crack open their textbook at a worn and fractured desk provided by DU, but they will quickly find academics are best pursued outside the dorm room.
Loud abrasive noises ring through the walls and halls of student housing at all hours of the night. A bothersome roommate pesters you to entertain and socialize. Worst of all, dubious internet connection granted by the school does little to alleviate your ills. Insanity will creep into your fragile state of mind and drive you away from the brick prison you call home.
That’s right, you can go home. This forgotten refuge is where many of us will be for the holiday break. For some, this may be the answer, but others only run into more obstacles. Obnoxious siblings and overbearing parents intrude on the precious time needed to prepare for the onslaught of exams. Intrusive aunts ridicule your choice of major, while your know-it-all uncle lectures you on the finer aspects of your career choice.
After all these tribulations, our troubled and wavering scholar will come upon the inevitable conclusion that studying is a pointless endeavor. It is better to give up and find a better use for your time. Try something more amusing, like writing a satire for the school paper.
