The following is a satire for the Opinions section.
We live in the era of polarization. Whether it be politically, precautionary or protocoligorically (had to look that one up), it seems that separation is a theme of 2020.
For adults, this point is null. The old have taken quarantine in stride because when you think about it, how many friends can they possibly have? But college students are young, full of vitality and currently dealing with a dangerous lack of socialization.
I am here to tell you that making new friends is possible. If pandemics can be more than the basis of plots for so-so movies, then who says lifelong friends can’t be made on Canvas discussion boards? An easy way to catch some eyes is to spice up your punctuation. While the hoi polloi is responding with “Hi Josh!” and “Hello Tim!,” one “Howdy Ashley?” is sure to have an ambiguous edge.
Contrary to popular belief, plagues—the bubonic, 1918 and choleraic included—have been historically mediocre times for friendship. I say this without a frame of reference for popular belief but with 100 percent confidence that COVID-19’s social tendencies will defy expectations.
The pandemic raises countless new social questions like, “Which mask, the surgical or the cotton, really screams approachability?” and “Does seven feet of distance convey a concern for safety or a judgemental wariness?” The respective answers to each being corduroy or bust and blatant, offensive disgust.
Navigating the new social landscape can be tricky, especially when smiles are a has-been and hygiene is a must. Those who wish to gain a leg up must work to achieve a level of expression using only eyes and forehead that was once thought impossible. In expectation of muffled remarks, hone each “huh?,” “what was that?” and “say again?” to new levels of perfection.
The internet serves as a resource that can be a focal point of socialization during this plague. Zoom has hosted countless corny cocktail hours, clunky dances and pixelated gatherings. The biggest tip here is to leave before you think you should, no matter the meeting. Although it may seem rude, it is essential to avoid that moment of awkward, unsure silence where neither you nor your Zoom-ee know when to hang up.
However, one of the most important things you can do in navigating this new and uncertain social landscape is to never, ever give in to a cough. The respiratory reflex has been deemed taboo in recent weeks and is sure to send whatever friends you thought you had running.
If none of these strategies work, if the coronavirus proves too pervasive for friendships to prevail, you always have your family. Although, who really wants to see those posers again after months of quarantine? Might be better to just stick to your Canvas pals.
