The following is a satire piece from the Opinions section.
By now, you probably hate your roommate. It’s a natural thing when you’re crammed in the same space with another person for the greater part of a year. You slowly become annoyed by all their little idiosyncrasies (not you, Brian. I love you). Every little thing they do irritates you beyond what you ever believed was possible (again, not you, Brian).
It’s time to find a new flat pal. You obviously messed up the first time. But how do you begin the search for this miracle person who won’t cause you to fantasize about putting a raccoon in their bed? (Okay, I might have thought about it once, but I didn’t do it. That counts for something. Right?) What should you do? Are you doomed to a life of trash mountains and abominable snoring? Hopefully not, if you follow my three-step plan to find a roommate.
Step One: Find someone you can tolerate. This is harder than it sounds. They cannot bother you in any way. You have to be able to tolerate the way they eat, the way they talk, the way they type, how they clean (if at all) and most importantly, how they sleep. I cannot emphasize the last one enough. If they prevent you from sleeping, it will amplify your annoyance toward everything else they do.
Step Two: Do not room with your best friend. Roommates have a difficult relationship. You have to share almost everything with them, and you would think that your best friend would be the top person for the job, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Living with each other takes a whole new kind of respect that—let’s be honest—you probably don’t have with your new bestie.
Step Three: Drop out of school. Yeah, you read that right. Finding a perfect roommate is impossible, and if you think even for a second that it is, go straight onto PioneerWeb and click that “Withdraw from DU” button. You could live off-campus in an apartment by yourself, but not all of us are business majors with a trust fund. The rest of us have to find a group of people that we are okay with slowly coming to resent over the next year.
