The curtains opened and the crowd hushed as the voice boomed, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Mr. AGD.”
Thus, DU’s premier male beauty pageant began.
At night’s end, Drew Bonder, a senior majoring in philosophy, was elected Mr. AGD. The runners-up were Blake Gaiser and Micah Martel.
The annual Mr. AGD event is organized by the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority and benefits the Alpha Gamma Delta Foundation whose primary concern is fighting juvenile diabetes.
The event was held in Margery Reed Hall last Wednesday.
Some thought that this year’s contestants had enough talent to top the Mexican Milkshake drinking last year, but they were wrong.
From flower arranging to formal wear for genitalia, this pageant had it all.
The show started with a bang.
DU men were on stage shaking and gyrating to the screams of women and the new 50 Cent track. Margery Reed Hall was bumpin’.
The audience screamed so loudly that a window almost shattered when Seth Elken rolled onto stage wearing nothing but whip cream.
Windows almost shattered again when a male audience member tried to jump through it after seeing Manuel Ceballos begin to unbutton his boxers.
Luckily, the unbuttoning was merely a tease, so the viewer returned to his seat as other contestants tastefully strutted around in their underwear.
Castel Valere recognized the theme of five card studs by attaching two cards to his nipples, two to his butt cheeks, and the last card to his front.
When the boxer competition ended the audience sighed. Half sighed in relief and half in anticipation for next year’s boxer contest.
The talent competition started off classy with Tom Dietz arranging a beautiful floral bouquet for the panel of judges. It was all downhill from there.
Chris Jurawan dedicated his performance to “[his] girl Aiesha” then sang a beautiful ballad mixed with his revolutionary dance moves.
Trevor Cochrane, like many of the other contestants, decided the audience had not yet seen enough of his finely sculpted torso. So, he gave a lap dance to two of the judges.
Some audience members gasped when Michael Foland did his three-ball trick, a complicated process that requires great flexibility and hand-eye coordination. Some people thought it was just decent juggling.
There were two Napoleon Dynamite inspired performances, one ending with a wig being pummeled and the other with yet another striptease.
The climax of the talent portion came when Colin Day took the stage. It started off tastefully enough with a little tennis lesson and freak dancing but in this pageant tastefulness was not destined to last.
Once Ed Erickson the DJ hit the first note of “Call on Me” Day’s clothes were off.
Instead of sporting the obnoxious yet in hindsight conservative shiny red boxers he had worn earlier, this time he exposed a whole new monster- figuratively, of course.
Day was wearing a tuxedo thong that a Brazilian at Carnivale would have frowned at.
MC Julia Smith’s comment could not have been more apt when she said, “Thank you Day for walking the thin line above nudity.”
Bonder’s talent was original as well as generous. He was introduced by one of his buddies as the man who “can sing, dance and probably even perform surgery, but tonight he’s working for charity.”
After his mysterious introduction Bonder performed a spectacular striptease and donated the dollar bills that were stuffed in his waistband to the AGD Foundation.
When the talent portion of the show ended the DU Dance Team took the stage in order to let the judges have time to pick the top six contestants.
The women on the dance team provided a brief interlude for the men of the audience.
After the dance team concluded its performance the contestants reclaimed the stage, this time in coat and tie and waited for the judges’ ruling. The field of 13 was reduced to six.
The six chosen were Trevor Cochrane, Micah Martel, Seth Elken, Colin Day, Drew Bonder and Blake Gaiser.
The top six were then asked two questions each. Their responses would determine who would become king of the world of AGDs.
Cochrane’s response to the first question really got the crowd going and set the tone for the rest of the show.
“My perfect woman would have to be,” he said, “Brittany Spears body with Christina Aguilera’s voice, who loves gay men.”
Martel got down on his hands and knees in a touching display of love for MC Lisa Harris. The crowd applauded at how sincere his fake proposal was.
The third man to take the hot seat got booed when he told the judges, “I don’t beg.”
Day “would be all about” having sex with Brad Pitt if he were gay; while Bonder gave a shout-out to his dad and the workout he gets from having sex in the wheel barrow position.
The last contestant was Gaiser. As it turns out his favorite female body parts are the eyes. After having a “moment” with the judges he gave a five-minute explanation about his love of strawberries and mangos, when used in sex lotions.
After another interlude by the dance team the moment had come. The top six were on stage and the tension was palpable.
Harris began, “In third place,” the crowd hushed. “Micah Martel, congratulations Micah. In second place, Blake Gaiser.” Although the crowd exploded at these two picks, it quickly fell silent again in anticipation of the moment everyone had all shown up for.
The silence was deafening as Harris began to speak.
“And this year your Mr. AGD is…”
At this point the world continued to turn, grass still grew, dogs barked, but after this moment nothing would ever be the same. “Drew Bonder,” she said.
The audience exploded with applause and catcalls as Bonder was congratulated by the other contestants.
“I have been thinking about doing this for a year,” said an elated Bonder. “I’ve been preparing for so long that it means a great deal to me.”
Bonder took home the title as well as a cash prize of $100.
The AGDs felt the event was a success.
“It was a little stressful at the beginning when we got bumped out of Davis Auditorium an hour before the show, but in the end it came together great,” said Harris, AGD’s philanthropy chair. “I just want to thank the guys for helping out. They were great.”
