I want to apologize beforehand if this letter comes of brash, inconsiderate, or rude…but the fact is that a partially-retarded wolverine with palsy could have written a better article on the underground cinema at Denver University. Let me quote my favorite section from the article, “Kubrick ranks with the best for his use of the camera, content and his unique ability to bring film to a new level.” Aside from the obvious syntax errors in this statement, the overwhelming bluntness of this text sent me into a raging fit of simultaneous laughter and coughing. But before I delve too deep into my pseudosymptoms, let us break this quote down. ‘Kubrick ranks with the best for his use of the camera’: First lets sidestep the issue that he should rank ‘among’ the best, just what does this mean? I hear from industry insiders Kubrick is extremely talented at pressing the red record button, delicate and timely, Kubrick has never slipped in this arena, his big right thumb is invaluable to his every scene. ‘Content’. Should much more be said? Yes. Kubrick’s use of content is unmatched in his field, no other director can be so inventive as to have main characters and plots, he is simply a magician with changing these stories into…..stories, on film, amazing stuff really (in a Dr. Evil accent). And talk about bringing film to a new level, Kubrick is the unquestioned MASTER of the tape cart push, swiftly guiding this box of metal down the studio hallways, defying every law of aerodynamics during his quest to reach the elevator at the end of the hall. Only he can be entrusted to transport this content upstairs to the production room. It’s a lonely job, but somebody must do it. True Genius. This one’s for you, Mr. Bad News Article Writer. I don’t mean to attack Mr./Ms. (unclear) Lorfing, because the rest of the article is standard, disciplined, and generally well-written…but I had to expose this quote to keep you all at the Clarion honest. As well, I’ve written to express my interest in writing for the Clarion, so please don’t take any offense in the statements, it’s only in good fun. Please feel free to contact me back at jpetri@du.edu. Thank you for listening to me rant.

Jeff Petri