Entertainment does not belong on the editorials page. That is, unless that entertainment consists of watching some guy from Focus on the Family and some dude from Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays rip each other to bloody tatters. That’s what I did last week.

Round 1. Let the fur fly!

PFLAG man gets flustered and spends 10 minutes whooshing out his unintelligible opinion into a microphone with a bad echo. Various points were punctuated by poorly hidden eye-rolls from Mr. FOF and PFLAG man’s notes fluttering to the floor. This does not seem to matter, as the audience is dominated by PFLAG supporters. Much applause ensues.

Round 2. To the death!

FOF man speaks. Far less applause. After five minutes, it’s clear that FOF man is a one-trick pony. Why shouldn’t gays marry? Family! Down with stepfamilies and their nefarious counterparts! Why shouldn’t gays raise children? Family! Down with stepfamilies and their nefarious counterparts!

One can almost hear the priest from that classic film masterpiece The Princess Bride: “Mawwaige…down with stepfamilies and thew nefawious countewpawts!” Things get ridiculous.

Round 3. Cannibalistic bloodbath!

The audience is set loose for a question-and-answer session, and they leap on the guy from FOF like starving hyenas on a three-legged lamb. Angry homosexuals and heterosexuals alike jeer at Mr. FOF’s repetitive answers.

Meanwhile, PFLAG man scribbles randomly on scraps of paper, trying not to look guilty. It’s hard to do. He resembles nothing so much as a boy who brought 300 of his bigger brothers along to kick the snot out of the neighbor kid.

Eventually, FOF man starts looking like the beaten and bloody neighbor kid.

The audience jeers and sneers. FOF man starts dodging questions Matrix-style; you can almost see him bending over backwards to avoid those suckers: “Hypothetically taking kids out of the situation, what are the reasons you have against gay marriage?”

WHOOSH!

He deftly dodges. “Well, gays will always have kids. Down with stepfamilies and their nefarious counterparts!”

Everyone leaves angrier than they were when they came. Surprise. As for me, I left with an hour less to get my homework done.

I was also a little depressed by the refusal of the debaters to settle the issue with a good old-fashioned duel. Oh well. PFLAG had the most support at the debate, but in a duel, I’d put money on the FOF guy.