There are many things I hate in life, but none is more evident then the hatred I have for hippies.

You smell funny, you don’t shave parts of your body that need to be shaved, and you hug trees.

That’s my paper. I’m going to roll it into a cigarette and screw up your ozone, then I’ll buy note books only to throw them away for no particular reason.

And I’m going to drive in circles in my car to make it even worse. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

You need to learn to eat right as well. Meat is awesome. We grow cows to kill them for food. That’s just the way the food chain works.

Any animal that sleeps standing up isn’t doing a lot to keep itself from being shot. You veagans and ultra-veagans need to shape up and drink your milk. It gives you strong bones and does a body good.

Now don’t be confused with the hippies of old and the hippies of new. Old hippies are extinct and out of date. The new hippies are more preppy, they have credit cards.

They are “trustafarians” and they shop at Abercrombie, and listen to laid-back music while lighting their bongs. Maybe some things haven’t changed.

Still though you all don’t get jobs, you don’t really do anything, yet you’ll still are able to afford tickets to see Phish live at Red Rocks. Once again, Dad’s credit card comes into play.

Then you walk around talking about things that don’t make any sense, living in your own world. Making me listen to music that has no words. Other than classical music and some jazz, what kind of music doesn’t have words? And techno isn’t music, it’s just something that sucks.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like some of your music, and I too have shopped at your stores. In fact I even like some people who are hippies, but as a group you still suck.

But don’t confuse me with you. I’m not wearing any hemp, I haven’t spent hundreds of dollars on glassware that is filled with stinky water.

I have goals and am focused. You’re burned out, and lost in the world. So ya’ll better watch out, cause I’m coming for you with a can of deodorant.

I’m also going to burn all of you’re old school hippie clothes. They serve no purpose.

Now run away and hide in the mountains, I can assure you that you will not be missed.