Have a question? E-mail Rob Gleeson and Steven Stoker at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.
Dear Head to Head:
DU has such a long break between Thanksgiving and the New Year. I’m not sure what to do with all this time. Should I go home, stay here or try doing something different?
Brad
Freshman, J-Mac
Brad,
What better way to spend your winter break than to spend six weeks volunteering.
There are SO many reasons to volunteer. First of all, volunteering is like cocaine: it’s ultra trendy with people who have money… like celebrities.
Tons of celebs are getting involved. Chris Brown and Michael Vick are shining examples of celebs rolling up their sleeves to make a difference.
Don’t worry, beating up your girlfriend and killing dogs aren’t perquisites for making a difference.
You don’t actually need a plea bargain to volunteer; you can do it all on your own.
It’s also important to remember that it’s the holidays. That means we need volunteers more than any other time of the year.
Why spend Christmas morning relaxing in the warm grace of your family when you could spend it with 43 homeless men who won’t stop staring at your sister?
Is that the smell of a freshly cut pine tree on Christmas morning? Nope, it’s Homeless Hank crapping in the corner. Merry Christmas!
The last reason to volunteer is probably the most important. People like me don’t volunteer, which means people like you need to pick up the slack.
If God wanted me to volunteer, he would have given me more free time.
Seeing as how you’re reading this column, it appears as if God has blessed you with a generous amount of time. When you see them, tell Homeless Hank and your sister that I said “hello.”
Sincerely,
Rob
Brad,
Have you ever been to one of Carrot Top’s live performances or been a spectator for a DU curling game/match? Or been to Northern Siberia? Of course you haven’t. Because just like DU’s campus over winter break, there’s nobody there and the only things left on campus are painful past memories, loneliness and the bitter cold.
Few people know that DU actually leases out campus to the U.S. military over winter break to let them test all their newest weapons (explaining the “bomb-proof” copper armor on all of our buildings). But this barren post-World-War-II-Poland-like landscape is infinitely better than your alternative, home…
Your room back home is now being rented out to a 14-person family of Bulgarians to try to help pay your tuition. All your high school friends have already dropped out of community college, but it’s no concern to you because they’ve already forgotten you anyway. Don’t even worry about that high school girlfriend you’ve been meaning to break up with all quarter either. That’s what the Internet’s for. A simple wall post will do fine, “Hey lover, I miss you so much, you’re the best girlfriend I could ask for, change of plans though, I’m not coming home over break, oh yea, and I’m breaking up with you forever.”
Not to mention, it’s pretty hard to bring a girl home when your curfew is still 11:30 p.m., although you probably couldn’t even hear herrejecting her over the 12 screaming eastern European children.
And hey, who knows, maybe if you stay here on campus, the army will let you drive a tank through J-Mac.
Insincerely,
Sven
