If you were one of the many students concerned about the dangers of inhaling secondhand smoke on campus, I don’t blame you. I personally cannot wait until the first of January when the smoking ban will actually go into effect.

The cancerous tumors popping up in all of our untainted nonsmoker lungs will finally cease and it is a danger we will no longer have to worry about.

However, I would venture to guess that close to none of you are aware of the many dangers DU students face on a daily basis as a direct result of a non-existent administrative policy.

Have you seen the Driscoll Bridge lately? I’ve seen more structural integrity in card houses; that thing is just waiting to collapse. The bridge is just the beginning, though.

I would estimate that the average DU student probably crosses Evans at least five times daily.

This is quite possibly one of the riskiest activities one can partake in on campus. It’s like playing Frogger, but the blood is real and you don’t get extra lives.

I demand this road be closed immediately or I’m staging a die-in. That’ll show ‘em.

You think it ends there? No way Jose, not on my watch. Do you realize how much water there is on this campus?

With the ponds on the south side, the El Pomar Natatorium in the Ritchie Center and sprinklers literally everywhere, it is only a matter of time before someone drowns.

I propose that we replace water with a safer substitute like concrete, perhaps.

It is cheaper in the long run (we all know how much DU loves saving money — look at the dorm food) and much more forgiving if you fall in.

Many of you have noticed that Campus Safety is rocking a new ride these days: a Segway. Let me tell you something, Officer “I drive a Segway that makes me important.” You have tarnished the integrity of the force and made Campus Safety an oxymoron.

If I find myself anywhere near you, I immediately look for the closest place to duck and cover.

Don’t think I haven’t seen you bobbing and weaving in and out of crowds of students. Who do you think you are, Terrell Davis?

Your reckless driving has put many students at risk of serious injury, and I, for one, refuse to stand for it.

If DU really cares about its students’ safety, there is one sure-fire solution I’m sure the administration will back me on.

We ought to hire a responsible adult to hold each and every one of our hands, every hour of every day, for the entirety of our enrollment here.

For $40,000 a year, it ought to be affordable, but that just sounds kind of ludicrous, doesn’t it?

Fancy that.