Have a question? E-mail Rob Gleeson and Steven Stoker at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.

 

Head to Head,

I just got assigned a huge group project for my management class. I hate group projects. What should I do?

William T., Nagel

 

 

Will,

Starting a new group project is akin to having a girlfriend you don’t like but can’t bring yourself to leave.

She’ll call you, she’ll email you and more than anything she’ll expect you to care. Which you don’t.

You didn’t ask her to get drunk, have sex with you and become emotionally attached.

Just like you didn’t ask these kids if they wanted to write a 30 page paper on labor unions. At least the paper on labor unions can’t get pregnant.

There are a couple easy ways to quickly torpedo the project. Wear a DU Athletics sweat suit to the first group meeting. Tell them you’ve got a busy practice schedule and can’t commit to attending any meetings.

When they ask what team you play for, tell them it’s a new sport called “None-of-your-f&*king-business.” Season tickets on sale now.

I also suggest you volunteer right away. Not only does it show initiative but it also helps you stay in control.

Before exchanging names with your new group blurt out, “I’ll do the cover page. What? Yeah, I’m Rob. I call the cover page, ok?”

My last advice is to pretend you’re dumb. Pull the group leader aside and say something like, “Hey, is it really true that papers on labor unions can get pregnant because if so I’m not comfortable…”

If you’re lucky he’ll interrupt, “You know what, why don’t I do the cover page.”

-Rob

 

 

Dear Bill,

Almost all of the world’s greatest accomplishments were the result of group projects. When the Romans pioneered the world’s first democracy, their senate meetings were basically the same as your average college group meeting. They looked at the syllabus, couldn’t figure out the assignment and decided to go massacre a nearby civilization.

And hey, if another group member tries to get a little bossy, you and your group can feel free to get stabby. 

Even the captain planet and the planeteers had to deal with that slacker pothead that never contributes anything. (His super power was “heart” and that hash-brain thought he could talk to animals and plants.)

Embrace this team project, not only is this “brief in class group class discussion” your chance to change the world, but also your chance to prove to your group members how much better than them you are. 

It’s time to start showing off all the facts you know about trust-busting labor unions! So what if the project is about art history.

Take the role as the leader and make sure to reach out to people with busy schedules.

If you have an athlete that can’t make a meeting because they claim they have “an important national qualifying swim meet,” that’s no problem.  Bring the group meeting to the pool during their event. Then they’ll at least be accountable for every other word you’re saying during the 800 breast stroke. 

If you have a team member who asks you to slow down, claiming they’re “special needs” or have a “learning disability,” they’re obviously taking Rob’s advice and “playing dumb.”  Call them out by smacking them upside the head and then giving them the bulk of the workload and the technical research. 

-Sven