Have a question? E-mail Rob Gleeson and Steven Stoker at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.
In addition to padding my resume with a master’s degree, I was hoping to find a future wife from the DU community. Any advice before I graduate this spring?
–Chris, running out of time
Dear Chris,
In order to really understand the girls at DU, Chris, it helps to remember a few things about the university they go to, because in reality both are pretty much the same.
For starters, let’s take a look around: well manicured lawns with peaky towers popping out everywhere and a copper bronze coating covering it all.
Yup, that fits the description of the typical sorority girl here at DU. Plus, with over 400 people employed as custodial and repair-work staff, “high maintenance” is quite the understatement. (Let’s be honest, all the new “renovations” around campus aren’t helping anything.)
And of course, what do both the university and DU girls love more than anything else?
Your money.
Taking a hint from the DU bookstore, DU’s girls really know how to take your money, and in the end, give you nothing back for it.
On top of DU’s new price gouging on hockey tickets, tuition spikes and activity fees, now your DU girlfriend is making you pay for her “extras.”
So how are you going to find the serious love of your life as you are moving on, getting older and graduating college? Duh! Start acting like a prospective high school student and these DU girls will be desperate to impress you.
Pop on your Springsville High School chess club letterman jacket and your name tag, and who knows, maybe you’ll end up with a pampered “campus tour” of her bedroom (let’s hope she’s good at walking backwards).
Insincerely,
Sven
Chris,
So you want to win over a DU girl, eh?
Listen closely: I’m about to let you in on a secret about girls at this school.
Nothing impresses a DU girl more than…herself. That’s right, Chris. There’s nothing girls at DU love more than themselves, which means you’ve got to act just like one. Before you know it, they’ll be saying: “Have you met that Chris? He’s AMAZING. He gets me.”
So how does one go about becoming a DU girl?
Step one: Wear Uggs everywhere. These ultra-trendy shoes are all the rage with college girls. What’s not to love? They’re comfortable and stylish. And if you wear them with sweatpants covering the boot part it makes your feet look like giant hot pockets.
Step two: Run around spending your father’s hard-earned money. Dad didn’t spend his 20s, 30s and 40s working until 8 p.m. to make partner at a major law firm so you could wear store-bought jeans. Banana Republic? What are you, homeless? I know it’s unfair to say that DU girls run around spending their fathers’ money. They spend their mothers’ money, too. Mom’s a much easier sell than Dad.
Step three: Hook up with the athletes. The hockey team might be a little surprised when they see you waiting outside their locker room wearing Uggs, size one True Religion jeans and a tight Juicy Couture top.
In fact, they’ll probably beat the sh*t out of you. But it will be worth it. Soon the DU girls will start thinking you’re one of them. And that’s when they’ll fall in love with you.
Sincerely,
Rob
