Dear Head to Head,

I heard working out at the gym is a great way to get laid. I’m trying to meet girls there but having a hard time. I’m pretty scrawny and feel intimidated by all the big guys running around. How can I hold my own and meet some girls while I’m at the gym?

Patrick J., Commuter

 

 

 

Patrick:

 

The gym is a great place to meet girls. You might be saying, ‘Rob how many girls have you slept with as a direct result of hanging out at the Ritchie center?’ Good question, but this column isn’t about me. There are tons of things you can do to get a girl’s attention whilst at the gym.

First of all no one has ever gotten laid because they were posted up at El Pomar Natatorium. Maybe an ‘HJ’ but that’s it. You need to spend time in the ACTUAL fitness center. I like to go at 4:00 p.m., when the gym becomes one-in-one-out. Go upstairs and linger for several minutes; maybe even get on one or two of the treadmills. When you do, quickly scroll through the speed settings and if anyone is within earshot, complain that it doesn’t go fast enough.

Next, get on the elliptical. The awkward back and forth motion of your legs can be hypnotic. You’re like a vulnerable gazelle trying to run but getting nowhere.

Now it’s time to go downstairs. Load up a bench press and while you do, sing some Creed. “Can you take me hiiiigher…” Don’t worry about the weight you’re putting on the bar, you’re going to walk away when you’re done loading it. “…to a place where blind men see.”

By now it’s around 4:07, which means it’s time to wrap up. If you haven’t gotten any phone numbers yet, cut your losses and check out El Pomar.

If that doesn’t work either, I heard there’s a girl in Halls who slept with the entire Colorado Avalanche. Give her a call.

 

Yours truly,

Rob

 

 

Dear Patrick:

 

Clearly Rob only gets laid as a result of working out when he does reps on the right forearm machine alone in his bedroom. Keeping up with those ‘roid popping, flesh sacks, at the gym shouldn’t be a goal of yours. Don’t worry about the opinions of people who are grunting so loud they can’t even hear the self-absorbed thoughts running through their meaty heads, “man, I looked so buff in this Under Armor cut-off, I totally don’t have a neck cuz my lats are so JACKED!” The only opinions you should care about should be of your real friends, and you won’t see them at the gym (or anywhere…in real life) because they are from a totally different world… the World of Warcraft!

If those huge guys at the gym only saw your level 80 Avitar character wielding the Thor Hammer of Kaliziar they wouldn’t seem so tough, would they… More importantly, when it comes to getting laid, in the fantasy world of gaming, you can use your strength to “actually impress girls.” What female druid character wouldn’t drop their gowns for you, after seeing you use a power +25 strength boost to defeat a horde of dark Minotaurs. Next time you see that cute girl in Calc class, introduce your “real” self. “Hey Sarah, Lord Agamemnonn here, in case you didn’t know I’m the 18th most powerful Avitar-jedi on in the middle-earth kingdom of Gondor. Wanna come back to my apartment and engage in reliving the passions of our ancestors?” Her response will probably be “WOW, Oh My God, don’t talk to me.” We know that’s just code for “F*ck me.”

 

Insincerely,

Sven

 

Have a question? E-mail Rob & Sven at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.