Dear Head to Head,

I just moved into Halls, like less than two weeks ago, and I’m already having major problems. My roommate loves guys. She loves different guys several times a week. I’m not that kind of girl. Sometimes, I’m woken up by her noises in the middle of the night, first thinking I left my TV on Animal Planet, I then realize the horrible truth. She is SO obnoxious. AHHH!!! What should I do?!?

Sarah M., Halls North

 

 

Sarah:

I’m thinking of a five letter word that starts with ‘WH’ and ends with ‘E’. Do you know what the word is, Sarah? It’s ‘whale’, because I’m watching Discovery Channel’s Whale Wars.

It’s time to learn a lesson from these anarchical environmentalists and take things into your own hands. Throw civility out of your dorm window or at least squeeze it between the two inches that your window will open.

Here are some tricks to make sure the guys that do come home with her don’t stay for long. Before she brings her next guy home, go to the store and get a bottle of Advil PM, some white out and a Sharpie marker.

Change the letters ‘d’ and ‘v’ to an ‘s’. Now the bottle reads “Asil.” Next to the ‘A” add the letters ‘v-a-g.’ “VagAsil” is a common feminine hygiene product; standing alone it’s not enough to make a guy leave but it gets his attention.

Up the ante by adding an ‘S’ to the end of ‘PM’. Now you have “VagAsil PMS”. If the sight of “VagAsil PMS” doesn’t scare him away, at least he’ll think she’s crazy for drawing all over an Advil bottle.

Whatever lackluster advice Sven has to offer, it cannot top the trusty bottle of “VagAsil PMS”.

And if all else fails, hire disgruntled Denver Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall to be there when she brings a guy home. “Hey B&*@#, who the #*&@ is he?” Problem Solved.

Yours truly,

Rob

 

 

Dear Sarah:

While Rob may be busy “whale watching” you should be learning that college is a time to meet new people, embark on new experiences and let your hormones run ramped like a sweaty zit-popping heard of stampeding water buffalo. An old military strategy explains that the best defense is a strong offence.

If you really want your roommate to stop bringing so many boys back to the room, you’ll have to take that saying to heart, step up your own game and out-do her at all costs.

If she brings home four boys in a week, bring home four in a night, if you catch her doing things on your bed, let her catch you doing things in her parents bed, if she brings home the star of the DU hockey team, have the entire Colorado Avalanche naked in the room the next night. If you hear her shamefully complaining about the awkward nerdy boy she ended up with last night, show her pictures of you with Chancellor Coombe.

A few months (and maybe a few STD’s) later your roommate will never look at boys the same (or the Colorado Avalanche). If you think this strategy is too brash, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get to know your roommate better.

Try asking her simple get-to-know you questions like: “do you have any siblings,” “are you attracted to 6′ blond males” or maybe something like “do you find comedic journalism, or fake advice columnists sexy.”

If you could get back to me with these answers and maybe a picture of your roommate, I would love to further help you out. 

Insincerely,

Sven

 

 

 

Have a question? E-mail Rob & Sven at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.