One of my roommates (I have four here) just recently broke up with her long distance boyfriend. I was sad that her relationship ended, but also somewhat relieved considering that their heated arguments usually occurred right in the middle of my REM cycle – due to the time difference. Mostly her experience made me remember how much I dislike long distance relationships. I’ve been in a few, and while they’ve never worked for me, it’s possible to work through any obstacle if you’re dedicated enough to your partner. My first, and most ill-fated, long distance relationship taught me the most about how to make love last in different time zones.
My freshman year of college my high school boyfriend and I decided to stay together, and while he was incredibly sweet and loving, this was his first real relationship and he took the distance much harder than I did. While I spent my time socializing and going out, he spent his checking up on me 24/7. Things began to get tense after only two months and I started regretting the decision I made to stay together with him when we were going to be apart for the majority of four years. If he couldn’t make it a whole quarter without getting jealous, how were we going to make it to graduation? My heart wasn’t in it anymore and I knew I wanted to end it, but I felt I had to prove I could make it work, and ended up feeling pressured to stay in the relationship.
As the months wore on, I began getting more and more distant from him. I wouldn’t respond to his texts or conveniently be in class whenever he called. I’d always find a reason to end our Skype sessions early, although, whatever excuse I gave, it was always to watch reruns of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. In short, our communication totally broke down. Things kept getting worse and worse until I came home from spring break and we finally broke up the next week.
I learned a lot from that relationship, but three things stand out above the rest. First, jealousy doesn’t ever work in a relationship, and in a long distance relationship, it’s a death sentence. You’re going to be meeting countless new people in college – that’s the whole point. From your perspective, these new people are just friends or acquaintances or just random people who photo-bombed you. But from a thousand miles away, everyone looks suspicious to the jealous mind. Sometimes even to the non-jealous mind. Trust is key, and the minute it starts to break down is the minute your relationship stops working.
Second, you both need to live your own lives. If all you do is video chat and text and talk about how you wish you were together 24/7, you’re going to miss out on the college experience, and start to resent the other person for it. Of course you should talk to your significant other, but not at the expense of making friends and a new social circle. While I was out at parties and dinners and going on late-night burrito runs, my boyfriend was sitting home alone, missing all the fun. I adjusted better and… well, we all know the rest.
Third and finally, college changes people. You can read every book in the world about how to make your long distance relationship work, but sometimes the best thing for your relationship is to realize it isn’t going to work. Part of the point of college is to give yourself a chance to grow, not only academically, but socially and emotionally. Spending so much time apart from your significant other may make you realize how different you are, and that’s okay. Had I gotten out of my relationship sooner, I may have saved my boyfriend and myself some things that stopped us from being friends, but by prolonging our demise, I ruined the friendship at our foundation. It’s possible to be apart and in love, it just takes dedication and work. And if you’re not dedicated to your relationship, then you probably shouldn’t be in it in the first place.
Claire Delahorne works as a copy editor for the Clarion. She is currently studying abroad in Australia, where she serves as a correspondent for all things regarding sexuality and culture.
