As you leave home and arrive on campus for the first time, you likely have many questions about everything DU has to offer, but many newcomers fail to ask the most important question. Where can I pinch off a loaf? This is the newcomer’s first mistake. The correct question is: “Where should I pinch off a loaf?” Obviously, the university has multiple restrooms in each building, but as our Founding Fathers said, “Not all bathrooms are created equal.” So, where should you drop the kids off at the pool? Well in moments like this we should remember John 8:32, “Listen and you will know the truth, and the truth will set your bowels free.”
Avoid the residence halls. More correctly, avoid communal bathrooms. I could describe to you why you should avoid these bathrooms, but I do not believe the Clarion will publish my article if I do. So, you will just have to trust me on this one. These restrooms are for emergencies, or if you are too lazy to find a more suitable restroom.
The academic buildings are where it becomes interesting. Sturm holds many arts & humanities classes, yet its restrooms are hardly humane. A friend of mine discovered pools of black sludge in the sinks (I have pictures if you don’t believe me), and it is often difficult to find a stall with a working lock. The Engineering and Computer Science building ironically has multiple improperly installed locks. The most intriguing of which is both backward and upside-down. On multiple occasions, the science buildings have lived up to their names when I have found a variety of different “experiments” left unflushed in the toilets. The Anderson Academic Commons has quite nice restrooms from my experience, and I can’t think of any library-related jokes so it will go unscathed.
The library, however, is no match for the holy grail of DU bathrooms, The Fritz Knoebel School of Hospitality Management. Boy, does Fritz know how to build a bathroom. The hospitality school restrooms provide the utmost care and comfort with a pristine environment, individually quarantined stalls and state of the art automatic toilets. This oasis is a blessing to the DU community, and I hope you all respect and treasure it. So, remember there is a difference between where you can relieve yourself and where you should.
