One of my earliest memories I have of school was how hard it was to make friends. As an outgoing female, it was easy to befriend boys, but for some reason, the girls were just so mean. I remember so clearly the unspoken hierarchy, the picking, the exclusion and ultimately, the feeling of loneliness. At that point girls did not feel accessible; I did not look to them for comfort, but mostly I remember being so confused as to why. There were several groups of girls that each had their own characteristics that made them “clique,” in a sense; the blondes, the cheerleaders, the math girls, so why couldn’t I find a place to belong? And more importantly, why were the other girls making it so hard?

The existential question of “why do women compete so much?” is one anthropologists, psychologists and college student latinx bloggers alike are trying to figure out. Romanian-American anthropology student Gillian Davenport speaks on how she has noticed female competition in the United States to be “masculine-based” in that “the desire to negate femininity and we [women] compete with each other to/against men.” She continues, “We no longer honor the feminine and womanhood because you can’t be a housewife or a mother and still be a ‘feminist’ whatever that means anymore … We compete to prove that we are better than each other at doing things ‘men’ do, and there’s nothing wrong with women wanting to take jobs men traditionally had. I do, but I dislike this movement away from honoring women and just making them compete with themselves to the point of masculinity.” Davenport brings a really interesting point to the table, in that it is possible that with the rise of women moving into the workplace, a consequence has arisen, of competition to be something we simply will never be (men) instead of embracing the new idea of a woman who can do it all.

But what if it isn’t work related, as we see competition among women who are not in the place of “traditionally male” positions? Evolutionary psychology focuses on the biologic, or rather animalistic, aspects of humans to explain our tendencies. From this perspective many believe that the woman to woman competition is based in their need to mate and further protects themselves and their wombs, thus using indirect aggression to eliminate any potential threat. Noam Shpancer wrote in Psychology today, “As women come to consider being prized by men their ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement and identity, they are compelled to battle other women for the prize.” But doesn’t that sound super anti-feminist? To believe that 1. being impregnated is our “ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement, and identity and 2. that it is the root for our competition, is just wrong.

So, if it doesn’t have to do with workplace competition and if men are not in the equation in terms of women being impregnated, what gives? While we may not have an answer, and while any plausible theory may be complex and layered, my focus is to shed light on the cultural differences. I write about the competition specifically in the U.S., as this is where I have lived all my life, and throughout my travels have found it it to be the most prevalent here. The U.S., in all of its beauty of progressivism and lack of tradition, has taught me that often traditions are necessary and in fact help conduct society better than those without. Having been recently introduced to Arab culture and a huge group of friends from Iran, Kuwait, Saudi, Palestine, Libya and Dubai, I have had the opportunity to learn so much about the customs and beauty of the culture. The most notable tradition being how often the sexes are separated. It is common for clubs, swimming pools, schools and even living spaces to be segregated. From an American standpoint this may sound sexist or old-fashioned, but I have found it to be the most welcoming and positive situation. In these all-female gatherings, women often feel more comfortable to speak freely about their opinions, can get advice, dance, sing and be themselves without the pressures or eyes of men on them. As a result, I have also found these women to be extremely welcoming, kind and non-competitive. It is uncommon to leave one of these gatherings without a handful of compliments, and the whole energy is just positive. As I discussed my experience with girls in school prior, I have developed and increased appreciation for these experiences and cannot help but notice how beautiful there are.

So maybe we have something to learn from our roots. Sexes have been occasionally segregated for ages, and while the tradition has generally died out, only now may we be seeing the value of the tradition and the benefits it could bring to our society. My message here, my friends, is to embrace the idea of the “girls’ night,” “girls’ trip” and even a simple girls’ lunch or girls’ BBQ, because we need it. In a time of such cutthroat competition, what better solution than to just come together and embrace one another because in this, we will change culture. Whether it be culture on a large scale or culture within a small friend group, you will feel the difference. So compliment your ladies, make time for them, make them food or gifts and remember that we are in this together, and together we are stronger.