“Mortdecai” was released nationwide on Jan. 23, but it would have been better as a straight-to-DVD movie. The movie seemed promising, as it is led by an impressive cast including Johnny Depp (“Pirates of the Caribbean”) as Mortdecai himself, Gwyneth Paltrow (“Iron Man”) as his wife Johann, Paul Bettany (“The Avengers”) as Mortdecai’s servant and guard Jock and Ewan McGregor (“Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”) as the try-hard MI5 investigator, Alistair.

However, the group just cannot bring the train-wreck movie on track. At first glance it appears to be some sort of failed satire, but is actually based on a British comic.

The film begins with the murder of a painting-cleaner who is well known within the art scene of England, and the thievery of the painting she was cleaning at the time of her death. MI5 wants to know: why did someone want to steal such a mediocre painting? The head investigator, Alistair, enlists the help of Mortdecai, who has his own reputation with art smuggling, to discover the true story behind the crime.

This journey leads Mortdecai and Jock from London to Russia to Los Angeles and back again. Along the way, Alistair attempts to steal Mortdecai’s wife, a lot of wine is drunk and there are too many fake paintings to keep track of.

What appears to be another snappy Depp movie is lacking in everything that makes Depp movies so good. There is a weak plot, Depp’s acting becomes annoying about halfway through and the initially witty comedy loses its glamor by the movie’s end. The movie is peppered with so many testosterone-fueled jokes (lots of talk about balls, sex and vomiting) that one may believe the audience would drown in masculinity if not for Johanna, who is ultimately the unsung hero of the movie. Paltrow’s acting is one of the few bright spots of the entire film, and completely surpasses both Depp’s and McGregor’s in deliverance. But not even she can rescue viewers from a repetitive plot that loses its humor and loses the audiences attention.

Bettany’s performance is also somewhat entertaining to watch. He plays a lumbering, sex-crazed bodyguard with a cliche flair. Compared to everyone else, excluding Paltrow, he is a star. His gangly limbs and lumbering height contrast nicely with Depp’s short stature, and the way his outward politeness contrasts with sexual escapades is slightly humorous. In any other movie, his character would have been flat, but in Mortdecai, his character stands out from the rest, signaling just how outrageous this movie was.

The production itself is attractive; scenes are well-cut with interesting angles, colors are vivid and the overall picture looks good, but, in the end, this is a very disappointing movie. Unless a friend and a free ticket are involved, this isn’t a movie worth watching. Instead, stay at home, watch “Pirates of the Caribbean” for the 11th time, and try to forget all about Depp being out of his depth in “Mortdecai.”