Although it may sound reminiscent of a shameful porno, Two-Fisted Mario’s is actually a pizza joint—and joint is an apt word here—tucked above a tattoo parlor in the middle of downtown Denver. Located at 1626 Market St. right off the 16th Street Mall, Two-Fisted Mario’s is open 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Sunday through Wednesday and 11 a.m.-3 a.m. Thursday through Saturday, perfect for any hipster wanting a chance to chow down on some pizza after a long night out.
There are no more than 10 tables in the whole joint, as the dining space itself is bisected by an iron bar for people who want to stand and eat. The lighting at Two-Fisted Mario’s harkens back to a shack on a beach of an underdeveloped country; the entire place is lit by large, multi-colored bulbs dangling precariously on wires. This helps define the spatial vibe, as the rafters are also exposed, enhancing the punk credibility, because who needs a ceiling?
It seems like the management just doesn’t give a damn, and neither do the clientele. Hell, there’s not even a mirror in the bathroom, so hopefully you adjusted those suspenders before going out.
Colorful posters on a wall also announce shows for local acts that no one’s ever heard of, a perfect opportunity to out-hipster your friends.
The music stays true to the image, varying between hip hop and trippy funkadelic. However, it is blasted so loudly that it makes normal conversation difficult to carry out without constant interruptions when it gets too loud. Perfect, maybe, for a 2 a.m. sober-up meal on the weekend, but not so for those who want to simply go to dinner and enjoy each other’s company.
However, the place does offer enjoyment for those who enjoy going retro. The classic arcade games PacMan and Galaga sit in the corner in case you or your date, who probably has a septum ring and a half-shaved, half-dyed haircut, are into vintage games, so bring plenty of quarters.
The Two-Fisted Mario’s featured special is neither for meat-free folks nor for the faint of heart. Called “Pig of the Rising Sun,” in which each slice featured a veritable smorgasbord of both bacon and sausage.
Fortunately, the menu offers plenty of other options and a series of toppings ranging from the classic pepperoni to the less well-known Transylvanian garlic. None of the toppings are very original or exciting, so don’t go in expecting something more than your normal slice of pie.
Their pizza was good, fast and cheap ($2.50 per slice, 50 cents for toppings), if average tasting. Served on a hotplate with a fork and knife (for class), it will disgust all diehard Chicago deep-dish fans.
Don’t worry about breaking your bank for beer, either. They serve generic brews like PBR, which comes in cans and pitchers. It doesn’t get more hip than that.
But for the 21 and over crowd, take a trip through the black curtain into next door’s magical Double Daughter’s full bar, owned by the same Two-Fisted Mario’s crew.
After a long night of moshing to some local band, Two-Fisted Mario’s offers a great opportunity to relax and chow down.
