While Siri claims the earth still has 5 billion years to live, the ancient Mayans have anticipated otherwise. In case you haven’t heard, a ‘cataclysmic’ event is scheduled to hit our lovely planet on Dec. 21 and has many twenty-somethings preparing for a zombie apocalypse.

However, the survival of twenty-somethings against an army of the undead pales in comparison to their inability to live without electricity, 4G or delivery pizza.

Here is an alarming “We can’t” list of skills necessary for survival on Dec. 21 that many twenty-somethings do not possess.

We can’t cook anything that doesn’t come from a box and/or can be microwaved
We are a generation raised by working parents. We generally had a brace-faced babysitter cooking us Spaghettios for dinner or a few pancakes burned by the eldest sibling.

For those of us who never knew that an oven did anything but broil cheese on top of bread, this may be a problem come doomsday. Once the power goes out in your tragically hip apartment, what will you eat? The malnutrition of the last five years, consisting mainly of whiskey and pizza, will no doubt end in tears for many twenty-somethings.

We can’t light a fire without a Bic lighter
Even if we could cook, hunt or find water, many twenty-somethings could not light a fire if not from the burning tip of a dying cigarette. How poetic of me.

We can’t wield most weaponry
While many twenty-somethings excel using virtual weaponry, in real life, they may not fare so well. With low muscle mass and poor eyesight due to a societal emphasis on art, video games and higher education, twenty-somethings are not built to be successful marksman.

The kick from a shotgun would land most of us on our asses; a very dangerous place to be when a zombie is a-foot.

Witty banter does not kill zombies
We are a generation who has seen far too many films and will therefore insist on saying something perfectly quippy before blasting off a zombie head (within the time frame of which, that zombie will have eaten our faces).

I assume after reading this article, it’s safe to say this is definitely a problem.

We can’t employ interpersonal skills without Facetime, alcohol or WiFi
So, if we do survive the initial apocalypse, there will be a point, as there is in every good zombie film, where we will come upon the last remaining colony of human beings.

Assuming we aren’t totally crazy at this point and can resist the urge to shoot anything that moves, there’s still the issue of interacting with real human beings. This is something that most twenty-somethings are out of practice in: if there isn’t some sort of interactive feature to the conversation and/or some mind-addling substance, we just can’t function.

We can (barely) speak one language
So now our little gathering of survivors have organized into a small colony (mostly baby boomers since they can build a fire and whatnot) and we’ll need to send a message across the sea to see if anyone else is alive.

Luckily, one of our boomers will know how to rig a radio out of old car batteries and we’ll send our message out. It’ll have to be in English, of course, since we only have two people who can order crepes and coffee in French and one twenty-something who studied abroad in Spain but can’t remember anything but the fantastic Sangria.

So, here’s to hoping that if anyone receives our message they speak English since we certainly didn’t take the time to learn much else.

The Millennials: We Can
Ultimately we are the technodemocratic-brave-new-world-individualistic-’we-are-special’- generation.

We were raised very democratically and individually. We weren’t required to enroll in girl scouts, to help our father’s fix the car or to cook dinner once a week. We were expected to excel in school and explore our creativity. In fact, if we could art our way out of the apocalypse, we’d be the generation to do it.

Many studies, including the Pew Research Center, cite the Millennials as being the most educated generation to date. Confident, expressive and skeptical of human nature, hopefully our youthful naivety and creative minds will figure out a way to survive this Friday. Just remember, destroying the brain is the surest way to kill a zombie and yes you can probably use your original-film-version lightsaber.

Otherwise, my fellow twenty-somethings, come Dec. 21, be sure to enjoy “liking” your last few Instagram photos of a bloody zombie invading your bff’s Pinterest apartment while sucking down the last of the good whiskey. Happy apocalypsing!