Aquarius

Lately you’ve been feeling as though you cannot stop waking up on the wrong side of the bed. The solution is simple: move your pillows to the opposite end of your mattress. If you don’t feel better immediately, you’ve got some deeper issues to tackle.

Pisces

You’ve had a rough start to the quarter and may feel like treating yourself to a shopping spree. Unfortunately, your professors will continue to disagree with your constant tardiness, no matter how “fashionably late” you arrive to class.

Aries

You’ve known it deep down for quite a while, but the time has come for you to truly accept and initiate the long, arduous process of combating your Facebook addiction. Your information may be eternally stored on Mark Zuckerberg’s global database, but “deleting” your account will provide you with an immediate illusion of success, until the next time you cave and enter your email and password.

Taurus

You are constantly reminded of Darwin’s natural selection theory every time you encounter that kid with all the answers sitting across from you in Spanish class. Don’t worry, he is extremely aware of his bizarre level of intelligence, but he is also quite aware of your six-inch height advantage.

Gemini

For some reason, you have been feeling slightly under the weather and can’t seem to divert your gaze from the ground. Fortunately, things are looking up – you should follow suit, because conformity is, without question, the secret to contentedness.

Cancer

After enjoying an afternoon’s nap on the lawn, you will awaken to dehydration and an extremely vibrant epidermis. Never will you have been so happy to drink water or slather yourself with aloe vera in your entire life. Interpret this as a warning and set up an umbrella if you experience the urge to snooze outdoors.

Leo

You have been experiencing extreme nostalgia with regard to the music enjoyed throughout your childhood, but you should prepare to experience extreme disappointment upon revisiting old Backstreet Boys music videos. They truly aren’t as awesome as they were when you were nine.

Virgo

It is said that some records contain subliminal messages when played backwards – when you and your friends try to emulate this idea by speaking in reverse, you will realize that the nature of that idea is as nonsensical as the noises emerging from your mouths.

Libra

You’ve been so exhausted lately that you have begun to hallucinate interactions with inanimate objects. When your car explains to you that it is “tired,” you will fail to acknowledge the joke and will instead respond with a passionate spiel about the countless hours you’ve spent studying versus sleeping.

Scorpio

It is universally understood that British accents exude a sense of sophistication and class, so preparing for your job interview should involve lots of practice with making your voice sound elegantly foreign. Either reveal the strategy to your boss upon being hired and share a good laugh or keep up the facade. Chances are you will quickly be promoted and earn a pay raise if you continue the charade.

Sagittarius

You have made a pact with yourself to eat healthy, swapping pizza for fruit and french fries for vegetables. Unfortunately, choosing to be more nutritionally conscious will result in severe stomach pain and potential vomiting, because the day you order a massive salad you will fail to watch the news and realize that salmonella has once again infected America’s spinach supply.

Capricorn

You will be showered with gifts from friends and loved ones for no discernible reason; your birthday and winter holidays are not for months and you seem to be in adequate health. Rather than graciously thanking these people for their unwarranted affection, be sure to reciprocate each of their presents, for their true motive is to receive something better than they provided.